Learning to Be
by jennynivea
Summary: When Alec was 13, he stopped speaking for almost a year. Five years later, Alec is forced to deal with the trauma of his past while learning to accept and love himself. Malec, Alec/Jace friendship and Lightwood family dynamics. See warnings inside.
1. Prologue

This is a semi-AU story, meaning that this is based in the Shadowhunter world and all the relationships that were built in the books will be represented in foreground or background in the story. Some events from the books hold true, while other things do not. For example, Alec meets Magnus at his party but the story of Valentine and etc. are largely ignored. _Focuses on Alec's relationships with his siblings, Magnus and his parents._

**Warnings: **This story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (actual abuse is not explicitly described but alluded to), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

**Learning to Be**

**Prologue**

Max couldn't sleep. He blinked his eyes, adjusting to the soft glow of his nightlight. His heart was racing from the nightmare that disturbed his sleep. He frowned, looking at the door.

He had just turned four and turning four meant having his own room. But the only problem with having his own room was that he was all alone when he woke up scared. Unconsciously, he stuck his thumb in his mouth, contemplating his options.

He could go to his parents room…but he wanted his parents to know that he could handle big boy privileges. Hodge wouldn't tolerate the interruption. Izzy would just treat him like a baby and Jace was not an option. Jace was the toughest person he knew and he wanted to be tough like his adopted big brother. Crawling into his bed because of a nightmare wasn't tough.

He swung his legs over the side of the too-big-for-him bed, deciding to go to his oldest brother, Alec. Alec was acting weird lately. He hadn't spoken to anyone in months. Their parents tried to get him to talk to them. Izzy even punched him in the arm to try to get a reaction out of him and Jace relentlessly annoyed and teased him. Even the shadowhunter from Alicante staying with them, Mr. Manson, offered to play chess with him. But nothing worked. Alec would just brush it all aside and walk away, locking himself in his room. He heard Hodge saying something about kids his age being moody. Max wondered if there was something different about being 13.

The only person Alec seemed to tolerate was Max. If Alec was in the library, Max would sit by him and read his picture books and his brother wouldn't move away. He would just continue reading his big-boy books and nodding in encouragement as Max read his out loud.

Max slowly padded towards Alec's bedroom, his witchlight balanced on his open palm, giving him just enough light to make his way down the hallway. He stopped at Alec's door, feeling the eeriness of the silence creeping over him. He gripped the doorknob and swung it open. Immediately, the witchlight illuminated the room and a rush of sounds hit him abruptly, like he had broken a silencing rune by opening the door.

Max gasped, his eye blinking rapidly. All he could properly make out was a large figure moving over Alec's significantly smaller figure under his sheets. Alec's face was turned away from the door but Max could hear him making these horrible whimpering noises and the man above him making sounds Max had never heard. It was terrifying.

He stumbled back, letting the door swing slowly towards the doorframe. He started running down the hallway towards his parents' room.

He burst into his parents' room, panting loudly.

"MOMMY! DADDDY!" he yelled, running towards them and jumping onto the side of the bed by his mother.

He shook her urgently.

"Max, by the angel. What is going on?" Robert said, sitting up, as Marsye struggled to untangle herself from the sheets and her youngest child.

"Alec," he exclaimed.

"What about Alec?" Maryse asked groggily.

"He's hurting him!"

Marsye seemed to snap out of the daze. "Who?" she said as she swung herself to her feet, rushing to grab her stele and a weapon.

"Mr. Manson…he's in Alec's room…he's hurting Alec!"

Robert was already out the door and Max had to scramble to keep up with his parents. He accidentally dropped his witchlight in front of Jace's door as he ran by. From the corner of his eyes, he could see the blonde boy stepping into the hallway.

"What's going on?" Jace muttered, scratching his head.

Max didn't stop to explain anything. Soon he was in Alec's doorframe, Jace just behind him.

They arrived as Maryse yelled out. Each second seemed like a minute. Robert seemed to be frozen, blinking dumbly at the scene in front of him. The man looming over Alec stopped moving, his head swinging back at the noise.

"Fuck!" Mr. Manson's voice was hoarse.

"Get off of him!" Robert yelled as he finally moved forward.

Jace somehow made it passed everyone, flying at the man in a fit of pure rage and pushing him over the side of the bed. Max knew Jace, at 12 years of age, wasn't strong enough to knock over a fully grown man but Mr. Manson was obviously startled by the arrival of four people in the room.

Alec cried out in pain and scrambled backwards to the headboard, his knees immediately pressed against his chest. A streak of red stained the sheets under the boy. Alec wrapped his arms protectively around his bare legs, holding his knees tightly to his body, his blue eyes glassy and wide as he watched everything unfold around him.

"Jace, take Max and leave," Robert instructed harshly, his eyes never leaving the offending adult. Maryse had already rushed to her son. She was seated on the side of the bed, her arms wrapped around the child. She was whispering soothingly into his hair but Alec did not relax, continuing to sit tensely, curled into himself.

"No!" Jace exclaimed. "I'm not leaving Alec!"

"Do as I say now!" Robert turned to the two standing boys, his eyes ablaze with fury.

Max knew Jace did not want to listen to him but surprisingly, he took hold of Max's hand and pulled him out of the room.

Jace stopped against the wall beside Alec's door and Max immediately wrapped his arms around his leg, tears finally rushing over his face. He didn't understand what was going on except that Alec was really hurt.

Jace unconsciously stroked the little boy's hair comfortingly even though his full attention was on the words coming from Alec's room.

"Put your fucking clothes on, you sick bastard," yelled Robert.

"Robert, please." Mayrse's voice floated into the hallway, desperate and pleading. Max imagined his mother holding her palms over Alec's ears, trying to shield him from the harsh words.

The man laughed harshly. "Fuck you, Lightwood. Oh right, that's what I did with your son."

There was a scuffle and the sounds of a struggle.

Max tipped his head enough to see into the room from the side. Robert was towering over Mr. Manson, who was crumbled against a wall, a blade held under his chin.

"You're not going to kill me," he taunted. "Besides, your son enjoyed it, isn't that right, blue-eyes?"

Alec immediately shut his eyes, his lower lip trembling before burying his face into his drawn knees. Maryse hissed but remained on the bed, holding her son tighter. "You're going away for a long time…it'll be worse than death."

The man ignored his mom and kept his eyes trained on his dad. "Really, Robert? You're going to report me to the Clave? You're going to explain how you didn't know what was going on in the Institute you are responsible for? Or better yet, you're going to drag the brat through this? Let them all know what he enjoys. Think of your reputation, Robert. Hasn't it suffered enough with your association with the Circle?"

"Maryse, get Alec out of here," Robert said, his eyes never leaving Mr. Manson.

"Sweetie..." Maryse started but it was obvious to Max that Alec had no intention of moving. It was like he was frozen in the position, knees drawn and face hidden, desperate to disappear but having nowhere to disappear to.

Instead of pushing Alec further, Maryse addressed Robert. "You get that...get _him_ out of here, Robert."

Robert didn't argue, grabbing the offending shadowhunter by his shirt collar, which he had hastily put on during the confrontation and started dragging him towards the door.

Max quickly swung his head back, stumbling into Jace, who also had his head tilted so that he could see what was going on.

"What did I say?" snapped Robert, as he manhandled Mr. Manson out of the room. "Why are you still here?"

"You told us to leave and we left." Jace hissed the words through clenched teeth, his eyes glued on Mr. Manson. He looked like he was ready to pounce on him again and tear him to shreds with his bare hands.

"Take Max to your room and stay there."

"What about Alec," Max finally spoke, his eyes wide with worry.

"Mom has Alec. I need you both in Jace's room."

"What about _him_? Are you reporting him to the Council? He needs to be punished!" Jace said angrily.

Robert tightened his grip on the man's shirt. "Go to your room."

Jace glared at the older Lightwood. "Alec hasn't spoken in months."

Robert ignored the pre-teen. He pushed his temporary prisoner towards the staircase.

"Jace?" Max murmured. "Will Alec be okay? Why was Mr. Manson hurting him? I saw blood." He tried to blink away the tears. He wanted to be angry, like Jace but he was scared and confused. "Did Mr. Manson cut Alec?"

Jace watched the two adults disappear out of sight before looking down at the small boy. Without saying anything at first, he scooped Max into his arms, allowing the little arms to wrap around his neck. Jace glanced into Alec's bedroom as Max buried his head into his shoulder.

"Alec's going to be okay." Pause. "Alec will be just fine, Max."

He didn't sound very convincing, even to a four-year-old.

* * *

**AN: **So, that's the prologue. The next chapter picks up five years later, although, the story will occasionally return to this time. Let me know what you think. Feedback is greatly appreciated. This is my first fanfiction in this fandom.


	2. Blue Eyes

**Thank you so very much for the reviews! They are truly appreciated!**

**A/N: **So, I reread the Alec scenes in City of Bones and City of Ashes, courtesy of the search function on iBook. Like I mentioned before, much of the books are not relevant in this story. Alec did meet Magnus at the party, he was hurt by Abbadon and cured by Magnus. However, due to the circumstance of this story, his personality is slightly different, making him less animated around Jace (as Clary notices in the books) and less confrontational with Clary, meaning that Clary and Alec never had their confrontation from the book. This chapter is set sometime after being attacked by Abbadon. The events of City of Ashes will not be part of this story.

**Additional Note: **At this point in the story, Isabelle does not know what happened to Alec when he was younger.

**Warnings: **This story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content. This chapter alludes to self-harm (though nothing explicit).

**Learning to Be**

**Chapter 1: Blue Eyes**

The darkness was suffocating. It seemed to hang around Alec heavily, blinding him and forcing him to place his hands in front of him, trying to find his bearings. His heart was pounding in his chest and he didn't know why. He stumbled forward. A strip of light suddenly appeared in the distance, glowing near the ground. Alec drew himself near the light, his hands finally finding a hard surface.

It was a door. The light was shining through the gap between the door and the floor. He groped for the doorknob and swung the door open. He was suddenly flooded with light. Alec's hand unconsciously flew up to shade his eyes. He squinted, adjusting to the light. He was in the training room at the Institute. It didn't make any sense. The training room was at the top of a flight of stairs, not at the end of a hallway.

In the center of the room stood Jace. His blond hair framed his face in messy curls. He was wearing black Shadowhunter trousers. His bare chest glistened with sweat, muscles stretched perfectly over his arms and chest. His reflection bounced between the mirrors, making an infinite number of images. Alec blinked his eyes. He looked away, feeling a fluttering sensation at the same time that his stomach twisted with self-hatred.

He looked back into the room. Oddly enough, his own reflection did not appear in the mirrors.

Jace just stared at him, his golden eyes cold and so unlike his parabatai.

"Jace?" Alec's voice was hoarse, like he had been screaming but Alec didn't remember straining his voice.

"What did you expect, Alec?" Jace said. His voice as cold as his eyes.

"What do you mean?"

The lights flickered, Jace coming in and out of focus. Alec didn't know if it was a trick of the light but for a moment Jace looked five years younger. Alec looked down at his own hands, noticing them becoming smaller. He blinked his eyes. When he looked back at his hands, they were their normal size. He looked up. Jace was back to his normal teenaged self.

"You're disgusting."

Alec felt his eyes watering. He willed the tears to remain hidden. "Jace."

Suddenly, hands grabbed at him from behind and Alec yelled. He tried to twist around to see what was going on but for some reason, he couldn't.

Jace started laughing, an unnatural, inhumane laughter. The hands were large and rough and they wouldn't let him go. Alec struggled. His heart was racing dangerously and tears finally spilled down his cheeks.

Jace continued to laugh.

Lips pressed against his neck, teeth biting into his skin and the unwanted hands traveled down his body.

"Jace, please, help me," Alec pleaded. He hated feeling so weak but he wasn't able to get away from the hands and teeth. His chest hurt. He wondered if this was how a heart attack felt.

"It's what you want, right?" Jace said, still laughing. Alec continued to scream as Jace seemed to get further and further away from him, the training room disappearing along with him, leaving him in darkness once again but not alone.

"You're so beautiful," whispered a voice in his ears.

Alec's stomach twisted painfully. The teeth were nibbling at his ear now. The hands had traveled passed his waist. He wanted to throw up. The voice, the hands, the lips, he would never forget them.

"Let me go."

"You love it, blue-eyes."

Alec closed his eyes. He was trapped.

He felt himself giving up when he heard a loud snap. His eyes flung open and the hands keeping him hostage disappeared. Light flooded around Alec once more and in front of him stood a tall, lean man, his hair spiked with gel and his eyes outlined in charcoal glitter. He was wearing jeans and a black shirt covered in metal buckles. His hand was lifted, as if he had just snapped his fingers.

Magnus Bane.

He smiled at Alec and winked. "Call me."

**xxxxxx**

Alec shot up in his bed, his heart beating relentlessly and his night clothes drenched in sweat. He ran his hands through his black hair and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He had been having variations of the same dream for years. Sometimes, he woke up before he was forced to relive the nightmare but other times, he was forced to experience things he tried so desperately to forget. This was the first time that Magnus Bane had entered his dreams, seeming to save him from the inevitable.

He didn't know what that meant. He tried to push it away. It didn't matter. His mind and body were his enemies. He was constantly betrayed by them and he didn't trust them. Almost every moment of his life was spent being trapped and feeling out of control.

It was 4:30 in the morning and Alec knew he wasn't going to get anymore sleep...not that the sleep had been very productive. Residual images flashed behind his eyelids. He clenched his stomach, feeling nauseous. He grabbed his witchlight from his nightstand. He found a towel and a change of clothes and rushed to the bathroom. His room was a few doors away from the nearest occupied room but he still placed a silencing rune on his door before heading for bed each night. He had no control of his nightmares and how he reacted to them in the middle of the night and he definitely did not want anyone to know that he was still having them.

The bathroom was right beside his bedroom and he was the only one who used it. He slipped in quietly and was immediately greeted by his reflection in the mirror. His hair was plastered to the side of his face with sweat. His deep blue eyes stood out in stark contrast with his pale skin. He squeezed them shut. He hated his eyes. His stomach twisted again and he fell to his knees in front of the toilet bowl, his body immediately expelling his dinner from the night before.

He wiped the side of his mouth, cursing under his breath. He couldn't even control his fucking digestive system on a regular basis. He flushed the toilet and slammed the lid down, his hands shaking. He fumbled aimlessly as he removed everything but his boxers. He sat on the top of the toilet, his eyes falling on the faint marks on the inside of his thighs. Unlike the curving, silvery lines of his runes, these lines were short and straight, the scars slightly raised and just a hint darker than his skin. He didn't have many. He'd learned long ago when he had to apply an iratze to avoid scarring. He reached out to the sink, fumbling within the drawer and grabbed a razor. It was an old fashioned razor, the blade tucked into the handle. Alec flipped it open, holding it carefully. It belonged to his father at one point. It was the only thing that seemed to bring him control and calm. Alec chuckled humorlessly. There was an irony in it all.

**xxxxxx**

Izzy walked towards the kitchen, tying her long black hair into a high pony behind her. Her parents and Max where supposed to be back tonight and she thought she would make pancakes one last time before her mother shooed her out of the kitchen once she arrived.

She was surprised to see that the kitchen light was already turned on. As she neared the kitchen, she saw her older brother seated in a high stool at the steel island, nursing a cup of coffee. He was wearing a faded pair of black jeans and a brown, baggy sweater. He was aimlessly playing with the holes in the sleeve of the sweater with his unoccupied hand. He looked sad and lonely and it broke Isabelle's heart. Sometimes she caught herself just watching her brother when he wasn't aware, wondering when he had become so melancholy.

She remembered when they were younger. Alec had always been the quieter one but he had enjoyed spending time with her. He used to enjoy teasing his baby sister and once Jace arrived, he often followed Jace's lead with teaming up on her. She remembered the two of them getting to know Jace when he came...how excited Alec was to have a friend after his initial reluctance at Jace's arrival. The three of them would get into all sorts of silly trouble at the institute, constantly driving Hodge mad.

But then something happened and it all changed. Alec seemed to slowly draw away from social contact, only engaging in it as a means of going through the motions. And then when he was 13, he had refused to speak for almost a whole year. She remember punching him in frustration. Screaming at him. Demanding that he said something. But he had ignored her and everyone else for a full 10 months.

When he had finally spoken, everyone had gaped at him in shock and he had fled the room, locking himself in his room for hours.

She had tried talking to him about it over the years but Alec would brush it aside and acted like he didn't know what she was talking about. So she stopped asking. She knew that Alec was struggling with his sexuality. She saw the way he looked at Jace sometimes and she saw the intense look of self-hatred that always followed. It broke her heart and made her hate the Shadowhunter world for hurting her brother.

She loved her brother so much that it hurt to see him fading away like this.

Wiping away the sad look from her face, she finally entered the room. "Morning Alec," she greeted brightly.

Alec looked up. "Hi Izzy. What are you doing up so early?"

"I thought I'd make pancakes. And I'll make you a stack as well."

"Oh joy," was his only response, though Izzy could tell it was in good humor.

Izzy leaned onto the kitchen island across from Alec. "Why are you up so early?"

Alec just shrugged, sipping at the hot liquid.

Izzy reached forward and pressed her hand against his forehead, brushing aside the strands of hair that were falling into his face. He moved away slowly, looking at her wearily.

"Are you feeling all right? Do you still feel pain from when Abbadon attacked you?" she said, worriedly.

"I'm fine, Izzy. I've been fine for a while now. No crutches, no pain, perfectly healed."

"Hmm, yes, Magnus Bane certainly did a good job, didn't he? I like him," she said in an overly cheerful voice.

"I guess. I don't know. I barely know him."

"And yet he came all the way here and cured you. Free of charge. And he's expensive! Didn't ask for a penny." She smiled at Alec. "He's cute, isn't he?"

Alec cast his eyes down to his coffee. "I wouldn't know, Izzy," he snapped.

"Oh Alec, don't take that tone with me," she said, not fazed by his reaction. "Don't you think you should thank him?"

Alec shrugged. "I don't have his number."

"You know where he lives."

"Do you really think that's necessary?"

"Alec, where's your manners!" Izzy said, knowing she was being purposefully dramatic. "The least you can do is thank him in person."

Alec didn't respond.

"Besides, I think he likes you," she said, softer, kinder and without the teasing tint to her voice. She looked at him carefully, gauging his reaction.

He flinched and closed his eyes. "Wh-why would I care if that were the case. And besides, you don't know that." His voice was barely a whisper.

"Jace mentioned it too."

His eyes snapped open and he looked at her fearfully. Izzy's stomach twisted. She needed to thread carefully. "I only mean that he mentioned that Magnus had asked if he was 'the one with the _blue eyes_'."

There was a sudden cracking sound and Izzy jumped back. Alec hissed in pain and both Lightwoods looked down at Alec's hands. Somehow, he had broken the mug in his hands, piping hot liquid and shards of ceramic spilling over his hands.

"By the angel! What did you do?" Izzy cried, rushing to Alec's side and gently taking his hands away from the mess. Alec just kept staring at his hands in a daze.

"I-I was holding it too tightly."

"Holding it too tightly? Alec, this is not some stress ball! Damn it, your hands." The hot liquid burned his hands, the skin blistering.

"I'm fine Izzy, I can fix it." He tried to draw his hands away but Isabelle held onto them.

"Don't Alec. I'm doing this," she instructed, giving him no room for argument. She took out her stele and gently traced an iratze into his palm. Alec gritted his teeth. Izzy finally let go of his hands. She watched the blisters slowly disappeared. "You have to be more careful, Alec."

"I didn't mean to."

"I know," she said, kissing him lightly on the forehead as if he were a child. "Now I'm going to make you pancakes."

"Do I have to eat them?"

Izzy scowled. "Do you love me?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"Do you love me?"

"Of course I do."

"Then you'll eat my pancakes."

"That doesn't seem fair."

Izzy smiled cheerfully, bouncing off the stool she was resting against and heading for a pan. "I know."

Fifteen minutes later, Izzy placed a stack of pancakes in front of Alec, who had made another cup of coffee and was carefully sipping it. The top pancake had a large heart with a smiley face in the center made out of chocolate chips.

Alec looked down at the pancakes and couldn't help but chuckle.

Izzy beamed. "I love you too, big brother."

* * *

**A/N: **That was definitely a longer chapter! It was hard to write. I didn't originally plan to write self-harm but I did a lot of research and I want to do this properly. I love Alec and Isabelle's relationship. Next chapter, enter Magnus. As always, reviews are greatly appreciated! They make my day!


	3. Friends

**Thank you so very much for the reviews! As always, they are truly appreciated and motivational :). Sorry for the later update, I was away for the weekend.**

**A/N: **Time to meet Magnus :). Obviously, for this story, Magnus and Alec's relationship develops differently. Some of the speech at the beginning of this chapter comes from Cassandra Clare's short scene called "Kissed" about Alec and Magnus's first kiss. However, it departs from that fairly quickly in this chapter.

**Disclaimer: **The above note reminds me to put a disclaimer. The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare, along with specific quotes from her "Kissed" scene.

**Warnings: **_This chapter has no warnings. _However, the overall story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

**Learning to Be**

**Chapter 2: Friends**

Magnus propped his feet up on his coffee table, sighing contently. He flicked his hand toward the TV and settled into a mindless episode of Real Housewives of New York. Chairman Meow sprang onto the couch and nestled in beside him.

"Oh, now you want to get all cuddly, when just 30 minutes ago you were hissing," he said fondly, stroking the cat softly.

He had just snapped a glass of wine into his waiting hand when he heard the loud buzzing for the front door.

He groaned. Really? He was just getting into the episode. He motioned to the TV and the image on the screen froze.

"WHO CALLS UPON THE HIGH WARLOCK?" bellowed Magnus. He smirked at his own dramatic flair.

A hesitant voice came through the speaker. "Er. It's me. I mean, Alec Lightwood.

Magnus paused, an eyebrow raised. The blue-eyed Nephilim. Well, this was a surprise. Chairman Meow jumped off the couch as Magnus buzzed the shadowhunter into the building.

He opened the door and leaned against the doorframe, listening to the teenager's footsteps coming up the stairs. He definitely looked better than he did the last time he saw him, practically dying on a bed in the Institute infirmary.

He wore faded black jeans and a shabby brown sweater, like he was trying very hard to hide his attractiveness and disappear into the background. But it was hard to do.

"Alexander Lightwood," he started. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

Alec glanced into the apartment. "Um, are you busy?"

Magnus raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms. "Depends."

He boy shifted his feet. "Can I come in and talk?"

Magnus stood silently for a moment, his eyes roaming over the boy. He was tall and wiry but with lean muscles hidden underneath his clothes; maybe an inch shorter than Magnus and slightly narrower. Alec looked at him nervously. He had these long black lashes that framed his large eyes, the irises a perfect mixture of different shades of blue. His thick black hair framed his face, stopping at his defined jawline. He was beautiful.

"Well, why not," he decided aloud and abruptly turned away and into the loft. He settled into his previous spot and Alec sat down in the golden couch opposite him, sitting at the edge, like he was readying himself to bolt if necessary.

"Do you want anything? Coffee, tea?"

Alec just nodded.

"Both?"

"Um, right, um tea would be nice."

Magnus smiled when Alec jumped as a piping hot cup of tea from Joe's appeared in his hands.

"What the...did you steal this?" he said, staring at the cup of tea, in total bewilderment.

"Adorable."

"What?"

"So, what did you want to talk about."

Alec slowly sipped the tea. "I...um, I wanted to thank you for what you did."

"You came all the way here to thank me?"

"You saved my life. Isabelle said you didn't accept any payment. You didn't have to come, but you did and I don't know if I thanked you properly, so yeah, thank you."

Magnus watched the teenager carefully. Did he come all the way here just to thank him? Magnus had known many Lightwoods over the centuries. Most Lightwoods he knew where arrogant and sly. He wouldn't trust them. But Alec exuded the opposite-honesty and innocence. "Well, you're welcome."

Alec bit his bottom lip and placed his tea on the coffee table. "I should go."

"So, you came all the way to Brooklyn just to thank me?"

Alec blinked his eyes. "I...I mean, I didn't have your number."

"Now you do."

"What?"

Magnus smirked. "Check your phone."

Alec dug into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He fiddled with it for a moment and then looked at it startled.

Magnus couldn't help but grin. His expression was so endearing. Definitely not a typical Lightwood.

"Magnus, the Magnificent?"

"It has a certain flair to it, wouldn't you agree?"

Alec chuckled softly and smiled.

"You should do that more often."

"What?"

"Smile, it looks good on you."

Alec frowned, his eyes suddenly downcast. Magnus leaned forward and brushed his fingers against the younger boy's cheek. He instantly felt a spark but Alec immediately drew back and stood up, looking away.

"I'm sorry," Alec muttered.

Magnus frowned at his reaction. "What are you sorry for?"

Alec forced his eyes up. "I don't know. I..." He was wringing his hands.

"Does anyone know?"

Alec immediately tensed. "Know what?"

"That you're gay."

He flinched. "I'm not...I'm not gay." The poor boy could not lie to save his life.

Magnus sighed. This boy was so far in the closet, he was lost in Narnia.

Magnus should have just let him go. He didn't need to get involved with a Nephilim. And he definitely didn't need to get mixed up with a confused teenager that was so terrified of his sexuality that he couldn't even admit it to himself. He was not unsympathetic to the struggle but he was too old to get involved.

But there was something about him that drew him in and he couldn't quite place it.

"You don't have to be afraid of your sexuality, at least not here."

Alec shook his head. Chairman Meow walked over to the standing shadowhunter and rubbed against his leg, purring happily. Startled out of his discomfort, Alec looked down at the cat.

"The Chairman likes you."

Alec crouched down and buried his fingers into the cat's fur, as if he was glad for the sudden distraction. "Is that a good thing?"

"He's an excellent judge of character."

Alec sat on the floor. He crossed his long legs and allowed the cat to jump into his lap. Chairman Meow nestled into the nook and Magnus watched as Alec concentrated on stroking the cat's fur, his eyes fixed down.

"Maybe...I don't know, we could be friends?"

Magnus raised an eyebrow, surprised. "You and the cat, or you and me."

Alec looked up, his cheeks flushed slightly. "You and me."

It was adorable. "Well, if we were 12-year-old girls, we'd make friendship bracelets and call it a day but I have to wonder if you're asking because you don't know how to make friends that your family hasn't adopted or because you want to make it clear that you _only _want to be friends."_  
_

Alec blinked, looking almost bewildered. "I...I don't know."

Magnus leaned forward, watching the Nephilim play with his cat. It had been a long time since he spent any time with shadowhunters. "I don't like to make a habit out of making friends with Nephilim but you intrigue me."

"I'm not that interesting."

"I'd rather disagree, young Nephilim. You're different."

"From other shadowhunters?"

"From other Lightwoods."

Alec raised an eyebrow. "I didn't you know you were so acquainted with my family."

"I've known more Lightwoods than you probably do."

"And how am I different?" His question came out bitter, like he didn't want to be so far removed from his kin.

"Less arrogant and cunning."

"I don't know if I'm supposed to take that as a compliment or an insult."

Magnus smiled. "I'm not partial to the snobbish, arrogant type that thinks they are better then others because they have the blood of Raziel running through their veins."

"And you are not arrogant?"

Magnus tilted his head, enjoying the banter. "Confidence does not equate to arrogance."

"And how do you know I don't think I'm better than you?"

"Because you are honest without even saying any words. And at the party, you told me that I can't help the way I was born." Alec bit his bottom lip. Magnus was sure he was trying to convince himself as much as the warlock when he had said that. "And you are sitting here right now, playing with a warlock's cat."

"I should be offended on my family's behalf."

"And yet you know I'm right."

"My siblings are not like that."

"Well, then there is hope for the future generations of your esteemed family," he said grandly, sweeping his hand in the air.

Alec's eyes twinkled with laughter as he got up. "I should really go. They will be wondering where I am. I told them I was going on a walk."

Magnus stood up and walked the teenager to the door. Alec turned around and looked up at the warlock. Magnus really wanted to bend down and kiss the Nephilim. His bottom lip was slightly swollen from where he had bit it. His lips would be perfect for kissing, Magnus thought absently. But he refrained himself, not wanting to traumatize the confused teenager.

"Well, dear shadowhunter, we'll see where this goes."

Alec nodded, almost too seriously. "Thank you."

"For saving your life. I got it."

"For everything," Alec said quickly before turning around and disappearing down the stairs.

Magnus stood in the doorway, wondering what else he was being thanked for.

* * *

**A/N: **I hoped this chapter wasn't too slow. While it was not plot driven, it was necessary before picking up with the story in the next chapter. Although I enjoyed writing a scene of the two just interacting. Next chapter, the plot picks up and so does the angst.

Again, thank you so much for the comments. I am trying to reply to all my reviews. For my anonymous reviewers, I cannot reply but I do greatly appreciate them too. I tried to clarify stuff in the last chapter based on the reviews and I will say things will get harder before they get easier.


	4. An Unwanted Guest

**A/N: **And so we are back to the angst! As a reminder, CofA is irrelevant here and Valentine conveniently is never mentioned. As always, thanks for the reviews!

**Disclaimer: **The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

**Warnings: **_There is some major creepiness in the chapter. _Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

**Learning to Be**

**Chapter 3: An Unwanted Guest**

Jace was seated in the main living room, right off the elevator. His legs were propped up on the coffee table and he had a demonology book sprawled open beside him. He had been texting with Clary for the last hour but she had to go and Jace had no motivation to continue with his reading. Instead, he mindlessly played Tetris on his phone.

Jace was annoyed. It was a Saturday night and he had nowhere to go. Isabelle was upstairs getting ready to go out with some Faerie boy she met at Taki's and Alec was nowhere to be found. He had said he was going for a walk but that was two hours ago. When did he become the one that had no plans on a Saturday night?

Just as he lost another game of Tetris, he heard the elevator door open. He sat up, assuming it was Alec coming back from his "walk". His brother walked into the living room, a tentative smile on his face, as if he was thinking about something and wasn't sure if he was supposed to be happy about his thoughts.

Alec still hadn't noticed that Jace was in the room, so Jace just watched him. He realized that he did that a lot. Alec wasn't the most communicative person and Jace alway felt like he needed to make sure that everything was all right. Sometimes he wished he could read his mind, just to make sure that he was okay. He frowned, not wanting to think about it.

"Had a nice walk?" he finally said.

Alec jumped, startled. "By the Angel, Jace! I didn't see you there." He looked at him, annoyed.

"You were deep in thought. Too much thinking and you'll cause an injury," he said lightly.

"Haha, very funny."

"One day, you'll find jokes funny."

"Just because I don't find _your_ jokes funny, doesn't mean I don't have a sense of humor."

Jace smiled. "I know many who would disagree."

"What are you doing in the living room?"

"I'm bored and I have nothing to do," he whined. "Where were you for the last two hours?"

Alec cheeks reddened slightly and Jace raised an eyebrow. Was his brother blushing?

"I went for a walk."

"That must of been some walk!"

"It was...nice...I think."

"You think?"

"I mean, yeah, good. Good walk. Where's Izzy?"

Jace noticed that he was changing the subject but he decided to let it go. Alec wasn't upset, so he would let it go for now.

"She's getting ready for some date."

Alec fell into an arm chair beside Jace and leaned forward, grabbing the book. "Who is it this time?" he asked as he mindlessly flipped through the book.

"Some Faerie boy from Taki."

Just as Alec was about to say something, Jace heard the elevator door open once more. Both boys looked at each other before making their way to the elevator, just as Izzy came bounding down in a tightly fitted black dress and impossibly high heels.

"Who's here?" she asked, peering over the boys.

"Mom?" Alec said as Maryse walked in, dropping a travel bag on the bench by the elevator.

She looked up at the kids and smiled, although the smile did not reach her eyes. She looked from Isabelle to Jace to Alec, her eyes lingering on her oldest son.

Isabelle pushed passed the boys and hugged her mom. Alec and Jace followed suit, hugging the older woman.

"Going somewhere, Isabelle?" she asked.

"I was going to go out with a friend but I can cancel."

"No, no, that's okay. You have fun. And you boys?"

Jace grumbled. "No plans." Alec shook his head.

She nodded, looking almost relieved.

"Where's dad and Max?" Alec asked.

"Dad still has business to attend to in Alicante and Max stayed with him."

"He must really like Idris," Jace said.

Mayrse just hummed in response.

After Isabelle left, Maryse looked at the boys, her expression unreadable.

"I need to talk to you both," she finally said.

Jace frowned, her request seeming ominous.

"Is everything okay?" Alec said. Jace could here the apprehension in his voice.

"Let me put my bag away and change. Meet me in the kitchen in 15 minutes."

**xxxxxx**

The two boys sat in stools at the kitchen counter, waiting for Maryse.

"Maybe she's upset about Clary?" Jace started.

"Why would she be? She's Nephilim, so it's not like we did anything wrong, bringing her here."

"Maybe she's upset about us going after Abbadon. I mean, you almost died!" Jace's stomach twisted just thinking about it.

Alec shrugged. "But I didn't and we were just doing our job."

"Maybe this is about Hodge. I mean, he just disappeared. I don't know how it's even possible."

Alec nodded. "That could be it."

They sat silently for a few more minutes before Maryse entered the kitchen. She quickly busied herself with putting the kettle on the stove and pulling out three teacups and teabags. She placed the cups in front of the boys. Finally, the kettle whistled and she poured the hot water over the teabags in each cup.

"Mom?" Alec started.

She sat down in front of her sons. "I have...," she sighed. "We'll be having a shadowhunter staying with us for a while. The Clave has appointed him to deal with a specific task in New York, so he'll be staying with us. He arrives tomorrow."

Alec and Jace looked at each other, confused, not understanding why she looked so upset.

"Do we know this person?" Jace finally said.

Maryse closed her eyes. "Benedict Manson," she finally said.

It was like every sound was sucked out of the room at that moment. Like the room was now frozen still. Jace stared at his adoptive mom, his eyes unblinking but the fury building so rapidly inside of him, he was sure he would explode.

There was a loud screeching sound as he got up, the stool dragging against the floor before tumbling on its side at the force at which Jace stood up.

He looked at Alec. The older boy was frozen in place, his hands gripping the edge of the counter tightly, as if it was the only thing preventing his hands from trembling. It probably was.

"No," Jace started, the sound escaping passed clenched teeth. "He is not coming here."

"Jace, there is nothing I can do."

"NOTHING?" he finally screamed, his voice bellowing through the otherwise silent room. "NOTHING?"

Alec flinched but didn't do anything.

"THIS IS YOUR FAULT! YOU AND ROBERT!" Jace couldn't control the anger. His whole body shook with it and he felt angry tears stain his cheeks. For five years that night had haunted him. He remembered his brother's silence for so many months. He remembered the happy boy from before and he remembered the sullen one that was left behind. And he remembered the helpless kid dwarfed under a monster, the memory permanently etched in his mind.

"Jace, listen," Maryse started, her own eyes glistening with wetness as she watched Alec but spoke to Jace.

"NO! YOU LISTEN! WHY DIDN'T YOU SEND HIS ASS TO THE COUNCIL? HE SHOULD BE LOCKED UP, NOT COMING BACK HERE!"

"Jace," Maryse tried again.

"You're a coward," Jace hissed. "Both of you are cowards!"

Suddenly, Alec stood up. Jace turned to Alec. "Alec," he said softy. Alec refused to look at him, his face hidden from Jace's view. "Alec, please, look at me."

He lifted his head, his eyes trained on his mother. His face was stony and expressionless. "Is Max staying in Alicante while he's here?" he said, tonelessly.

Maryse nodded.

Alec turned away and walked towards the doorway. "Good," was all he said before leaving the kitchen.

Maryse dropped her head into her hands, defeated. Jace didn't care. He stormed out of the room, following his brother.

**xxxxxx**

Alec collapsed to his knees as soon as he entered his bedroom. His body shook violently as he sat against the door. He felt dizzy and sick and he felt like he would pass out. And at the same time his whole body felt numb and lifeless, like he could run through fire and not feel the burn. His mind was foggy. He couldn't think. He squeezed his eyes shut, burying his head into his knees, his hands pulling at his hair, like he could pull out the memories with the motion.

**xxxxxx**

_Five Years Earlier_

Alec held the bow up and pulled back the string, his eyes trained perfectly on the target before releasing the arrow from it's rest. The arrow zipped through the air, hitting the center of the bullseye. Alec smiled. It was late at night and everyone was probably in bed. He liked to come up to the training room at this time to practice. He enjoyed concentrating on the target and not thinking about the feelings and emotions that swirled around in his mind most of the day.

He quickly placed another arrow against the bow. Just as he was releasing the arrow, he heard a sound. Startled, his aim shifted slightly and the arrow landed on the edge of the target.

Alec swung around to face the sound.

"I'm sorry I startled you."

Alec relaxed slightly, silently cursing at himself for being so jumpy. It was the new shadowhunter that was staying with them, Benedict Manson. He'd arrived two days earlier and mostly kept to himself. He was tall and wide, with a solid build like most grown shadowhunters. He had buzzed brown hair and a trimmed beard.

"What are you doing up here so late, shouldn't you kids be sleeping at this time?"

Alec scowled. "I'm not a kid," he said, even though it just made him sound younger.

"How old are you?"

"13," he said, trying to sound older. He'd just turned 13 last week.

"Well, I guess you aren't a kid then. You're a teenager. And quite a good archer from where your first arrow sits."

Alec shrugged. "It's the one thing I'm good at."

The man moved closer to him. "Why would you say that?"

Alec shrugged again, moving to the wall to pull the arrows out of the target. "Jace is good at everything else."

"Hmmm, that's the blonde one?"

Alec felt himself blushing, thinking about Jace and his perfect golden hair. He pounded his fist against the wall, trying to ignore the treacherous thought.

"Did you come up here to train?" he asked, ignoring the man's question.

"Yes, I thought it would be unoccupied."

Alec turned around. The man watched him, his eyes moving up down as if he was assessing him. Absently, he licked his lip.

Alec looked away, feeling uncomfortable. "Yeah, okay, I'll let you train then. Good night."

The man grabbed the boy's wrist as he passed by. Alec tried to pull away instinctively.

"Don't go. I'd rather enjoy the company while training"

Alec looked at him doubtfully. He dropped his arm. Why would a grown shadowhunter want to train with a puny, not-so-good kid?

"Come on, I'll show you how to throw a dagger as well as you shot an arrow."

"That's okay, Mr. Manson. I'll let you train."

"It's not a bother. And call me Ben."

Alec contemplated the offer. He could go back to his room but he was terrified of his thoughts and his dreams. Why couldn't he just be normal like Jace? His stomach twisted.

"Okay," he said finally. Stepping back into the center of the room in front of the target.

The man smiled broadly, jogging to the equipment and pulling out a few daggers.

When he returned he passed one to Alec. "All right, show me how you throw a dagger."

Alec looked down at the knife. He had never tried throwing daggers. He'd seen his mother do it and she was really good. He narrowed his eyes and focused on the bullseye, letting the dagger fly. It flew through the air but landed short, tumbling to the floor just before the target.

Alec blushed furiously, humiliation heating up his cheeks. He shifted his feet, trying to think of an excuse for his pathetic performance.

Ben came up behind him and handed him another dagger. "Don't be embarrassed. You obviously have the right aim but you just need to put more force into the throw. Here, let me show you."

The man pressed his body against Alec, grabbing his waist with one hand and holding the hand gripping the dagger with his other. The man pulled the boy flush against him and held his arm up, positioning it for a throw.

Alec felt the discomfort coming back. He didn't like being this close to other people, let alone someone he barely knew.

"Mr. Manson," he started, trying to pull away.

"I said to call me Ben," he said gently before guiding Alec through the motion of throwing the dagger.

The dagger flew swiftly towards the target, hitting just outside the bullseye and staying lodged in the target.

Alec wanted to be proud but all he could think of was that something hard was jutting into his back. He squirmed away from the man and quickly went to gather the knives.

"Good job, kid," came the man's voice. "Or should I say, young man."

Alec turned around and tried to smile, but failed. He was confused. "Thanks," he muttered.

"Try one on your own this time."

Alec almost sighed with relief. "Okay," he said before returning to his original spot.

**xxxxxx**

_Present_

There was a persistent pounding in Alec's head, pulling him out of the memory. It took him a moment to realize that the banging was coming from the other side of the door and not from inside his head.

"ALEC! LET ME IN! I swear to Raziel, I'll use a unlocking rune and break this door down if I have to!"

It was Jace.

"Go away, Jace," he managed to reply, the fogginess in his minds dissipating, leaving him with the feeling of pain and shame weighing him down like he was being buried under an avalanche of rocks.

"I won't," came a determined voice. "I don't care what you say or do, I won't leave you." His voice was hoarse from all the screaming he had done earlier. But he sounded desperate.

Alec didn't think he had the energy to get up, so instead, he shifted his body to the side and reached up to unlock the door.

Almost instantly, the door swung open and Jace came barging in.

"What do you want?" Alec said, flatly, trying not to completely fall apart in front of his stronger and better parabatai.

Alec's back was pressed against the wall, his arms wrapped around his knees, which were drawn protectively to his chest. He stared at the blonde boy.

Jace looked absolutely wrecked. His hair was disheveled. His eyes bloodshot and his body still radiating with anger.

Jace shut the door and slid down to the floor beside him, stretching his legs out in front of him. Alec knew he looked pathetic, practically curled up in the fetal position.

"I'm so sorry, Alec."

"You didn't do anything," Alec managed to say.

Jace tensed, like Alec had said something that hurt.

"I...I..." Alec wouldn't look at Jace. "I don't know if I can do this, Jace," he finally said, his voice small and vulnerable. He cringed at his own weakness, as tears finally escaped and rushed down his face.

He started breathing erratically, losing the little bit of control he had left. Jace grabbed him gently around the shoulders and drew him towards him and despite the desire to appear strong; despite wanting to reject the comfort, he knew that it may be the only thing keeping himself from totally unravelling.

So, he leaned into his parabatai and Jace held him tightly as he let go of his emotions.

* * *

**A/N: **Oh the angst! That was hard to write. Don't worry, Alec will have his moment when he will do the yelling. He's just not there yet. Feel free to let me know what you think, the good and the bad. Until next time!

Jenny


	5. An Unsafe Place

**A/N: **Thank you so very much for all the reviews! I know there were lots of frustration with Maryse and I totally agree and I will definitely address all that during the course of the story, promise!

Also, I'm very sorry for the delayed update! This chapter was hard to write because I feel like it was a necessary chapter to move the story forward but not very eventful in itself. Regardless, it had to happen and any feedback would be appreciated.

**Disclaimer: **The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

**Warnings: **_Again, major creepiness in this chapter. _Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

**Learning to Be**

**Chapter 4: An Unsafe Place**

_Five Years Earlier_

Alec decided that he had been wrong about Ben. He had felt uncomfortable that night in the training room but Alec was always on edge for other reasons. And unlike most adults in their lives, who seemed to fawn over his siblings, Ben actually found _him_ interesting.

Max was the baby. He was the cutest little boy. Isabelle had so much fire and spunk for an 11-year-old. People were instantly drawn to her energy. And then there was Jace. Perfect, beautiful, Jace.

He clenched his fists. _Not beautiful_, he scolded himself silently.

Even though Jace was a year younger than Alec, he out-did him in everything. He was stronger, faster and a better fighter. Sure, Alec was the better archer but Jace was never interested in long-range weaponry skills. His dad always seemed to look at him with disappointment, like he was always comparing him to Jace.

And Alec couldn't even blame him. He was the oldest and yet he was this unremarkable, introverted, quiet kid who couldn't even compete with those younger than him. So, when Ben started paying more attention to him than his siblings, Alec was cautious at first but then he started to appreciate the attention.

When Jace asked the shadowhunter if he would teach him something in the training room one day, he declined and played chess with Alec instead. When Isabelle was going on about something, Ben barely paid attention but if Alec started talking, he listened.

He even asked Maryse if he could take Alec demon hunting with him one day, claiming that he was thirteen now and he would just watch. Alec was so excited, while Jace sat there with a sour face, his arms crossed angrily over his chest. Unfortunately, his mother refused to let him go.

Instead, he was in his bed, sulking, wishing he was out hunting with Ben. He flipped onto his side when the door to his bedroom opened slowly. He sat up quickly, trying to make out the figure in the doorway.

"Dad?" Alec asked, groping at his bedside table for his witchlight. The figure slowly closed the door and seemed to be drawing something on it. Alec finally grabbed the witchlight and held it up, the light framing the man now walking towards his bed.

"Ben?" Alec said, confused. "What are you doing here? I thought you were out hunting."

Ben smiled at the boy and sat at the edge of the bed. Alec instinctively moved to give him space. "I know you were disappointed that you couldn't come with me."

The man started stroking his hair. Alec's confusion turned into discomfort as he tried to draw away, only to have the fingers follow and remain buried in his hair.

Alec tried to brush the discomfort away. His mom used to came to his room and stroke his hair when he was scared or wasn't feeling well. She would even sing to him until he fell asleep.

But this wasn't his mom.

"I know how you feel?" the man finally said. His hand was now resting on his collarbone, his thumb rubbing circles into his neck and his other fingers just under his shirt.

"How I feel?" Alec asked. His voice was soft and unsure. He tried moving away again.

"About Jace. I see the way you look at him."

Alec's whole body went rigid. He wanted to completely disappear but he was trapped.

"I-I don't know what you're talking about."

His other hand had snaked underneath the bottom of his shirt, the cold palm pressing into his bare skin and the fingers making similar circular motions.

"Please," Alec pleaded. "I don't like this."

"Would you like it if Jace was doing this?" His voice sounded husky and strange.

"No!" Alec cried. "Please, I want to go to bed."

He tried to push the hand under his shirt away but Ben just gripped his side, nails digging into his flesh.

"You wanted to spend all night with me earlier."

"I wanted to go demon hunting!"

The man smiled, his face drawn in an expression of twisted pleasure. "This will be so much better. I promise."

**xxxxxx**

_Present_

"Alec! Alec get up."

Alec could feel a hand gripping his upper arm. He felt like he couldn't breathe. His eyes snapped open and he swung his free arm swiftly, his fist connecting with flesh almost instantaneously.

"Damn it," came a voice.

Alec sat up in the bed abruptly, his vision coming into focus. "Shit, Jace!"

He scrambled to his feet. Jace was leaning against the wall, rubbing the side of his jaw. "Damn, Alec, you have quite the right hook."

Alec shook his head, looking dismayed. He ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm so sorry, Jace."

"Hey, it's no big deal." He dropped his hand from his face and Alec could see the tenderness around his jaw and cheek.

"I'll draw an iratze."

Jace nodded and sat down on the bed. Alec grabbed his stele and sat down beside him, gently drawing the rune into Jace's skin. When he was done, his eyes fell on blankets and a pillow spread out on the floor beside his bed.

"Did you sleep here?" Alec asked. "I don't even remember getting into bed." He looked down at himself and noticed that he was still in his clothes from yesterday.

Jace nodded again. "You were falling asleep, so I dragged you to bed and camped out here for the night."

Alec didn't know what to say. "You didn't have to do that."

Jace dismissed the comment. "Have you always had nightmares? Or was this because of..."

Jace voice trailed off as Alec involuntarily flinched at the reminder. He gripped the edge of the bed, his fingers clenching at the fabric and mattress.

He felt nauseous.

His mind was spinning out of control.

_Ben was coming. _

His breathing hitched.

_Unwanted hands everywhere._

"I need to have a shower."

_Lips bruising flesh. Teeth breaking skin._

"Alec."

_'Alexander. So beautiful. So perfect.'_

"Alec, you need to calm down."

_Cold. Exposed. Scared._

Alec stood up, trying not to stumble. He needed to get rid of the pain.

_Unimaginable, inexplicable pain._

"Alec!"

_Shame. Unbearable shame. Drowning in it._

Alec ignored his brother. Grabbing a towel, he practically flew out of the room, towards the bathroom and the only form of comfort he knew.

**xxxxxx**

The three teenagers sat around the kitchen table, while Izzy animatedly described her night with the fey boy. Their mother was by the stove flipping pancakes and stacking them on a platter.

Alec tried to focus on what Izzy was saying but it was like white noise in his ears. He could feel the burn of the new cuts hidden underneath his jeans and instead he focused on that, his hand unconsciously pressing against them. He hadn't healed the wounds this time. He felt sick and weak and pathetic but it never stopped him.

His mother placed a plate in front of him, piled high with steaming hot blueberry pancakes. Alec didn't look at her but could feel her eyes on him. Blueberry pancakes were his favorite.

Izzy stopped talking. Alec looked up at her. She was looking between Alec, Jace and their mom. She looked down at their food. In front of Jace, there were chocolate chip pancakes and Izzy had banana pancakes.

"What the hell is going on?" she finally said. "Why do you all look like you just came back from a funeral? And mom, you made _three different_ types of pancakes. You never do that!"

Jace just poked at the stack of pancakes.

"Alec, I need to speak to you," Maryse said, looking down at her oldest son, her eyes pleading almost desperately.

Alec pushed the plate away. "Well, I don't want to speak to you," he said.

"Alec, please."

Alec stood up. He didn't want to be surrounded by others, staring at him. And he definitely did not want to be near his mother. "I'm not hungry."

**xxxxxx**

Isabelle spent the rest of the day practicing her landings from the high beams in the training room. She had wanted to go after Alec after his abrupt departure from breakfast but both her mother and Jace convinced her to leave him alone for a while. Normally, she wouldn't listen to them but Jace seemed to think that this was a guy thing and he would talk to him.

Isabelle scoffed to herself as she pulled her almost dried hair into a high ponytail, having just come out of the change room attached to the training room. Isabelle didn't believe in "guy" or "girl" problems. Problems were problems and she didn't like being out of the loop just because she was a girl and they were both guys.

She frowned as she made her way down to the main floor of the Institute. She could see her mother talking to a man by the elevator. Her mother seemed agitated.

"Do you understand?" she demanded, her voice harsh and unwavering.

The man nodded. He stood a little bit away from Maryse, as if he wanted to be out of striking distance.

Isabelle walked into the foyer. Both adults stopped talking and looked at the teenager. She recognized the man.

"Isabelle, you remember Mr. Manson." Maryse's voice was clipped.

"Yeah, you stayed for almost a year one time."

Mr. Manson nodded. He seemed to have a permanent frown on his face.

"Mr. Manson will be staying with us for a while. I'm going to show him to his room in the west wing."

Izzy nodded as the man picked up his luggage and her mother escorted him towards the west wing living quarters. She didn't remember much about Mr. Manson. She never paid much attention to him. She thought it was weird that Maryse was setting him up so far away from the rest of the Institute residents in the east wing.

Before she could think more about it, she saw Jace bounding down the stairs and Alec following unenthusiastically behind him. Both were in their hunting gear.

"What have you boys been doing?" she asked, trying not to be annoyed with them for keeping her out of the loop.

"Alec was cooped up in the library. I was in the greenhouse. Get dressed, there's some heightened demon activity by that abandoned warehouse on 115th and Pleasant."

Izzy instantly perked up. She needed to get out. She could tell them about their guest on the way. "Give me five."

**xxxxxx**

Their excursion into East Harlem was uneventful. It turned out that there was only one lesser demon that Izzy disposed of almost instantly.

For once, Alec had been hoping for something more complicated. He needed the distraction. The whole day, he had sat, curled up in an armchair, aimlessly flipping through books but unable to keep his mind off the impending arrival. Jace had joined him in the library for a some time during the day but Alec had not been responsive and eventually the younger boy decided to give Alec some space.

Izzy mentioned that _he_ had arrived as they walked back from the warehouse. Alec dragged behind his siblings so that he didn't have to try to hide his expression of absolute nausea.

Once they returned to the institute, Jace practically attached himself to Alec as they walked to their bedrooms.

"Do you want me to stay here tonight?" Jace asked.

Alec shook his head. His heart was racing and it felt like it was beating directly into his ear. "No Jace. I'll be fine." He tried to smile.

"Bullshit," Jace said angrily.

Alec stepped into his bedroom. "I need to deal with this on my own."

"No you don't!"

Alec hid his trembling hands behind the door and doorframe. "I'm not a kid anymore, Jace. I can take care of myself."

"Damn it, Alec. I don't know what to do."

"Listen, go to bed. I'll be fine and if I'm not, I'll call you."

"Promise."

Alec nodded. "I promise."

Alec stood in the middle of his room, not knowing what to do. He sat on the edge of his bed. His bedroom was entirely different from the one he had until four years ago and yet he felt suddenly trapped in the same place.

He remembered lying in his bed, absolute terror gripping his entire body and soul, waiting...waiting and knowing that at any moment, his solitude would be interrupted and he would once again be plunged into a nightmare so horrifying, it couldn't possibly be real.

But it had been real and he felt like it was happening all over again.

He knew that Ben was probably not interested in him anymore, now that he was no longer a pubescent boy. He also knew that he would be able to defend himself better now. But that did not take away the memory or the fear of having that man under the same roof as him, especially after dark.

He could feel his breathing becoming erratic, his heart palpitating and a sudden feeling of lightheadedness. He dropped his head into his hands, trying to calm down. His palms were sweaty. He felt like throwing up. It was like reality was slipping away from him and he was entirely out of control.

He tried to stand up but found himself falling to the floor instead, catching himself on his hands and knees. Tears rushed down his face. He felt like he couldn't breathe. Spots seemed to form in his vision. He looked over at his phone. Should he call Jace? Was he dying?

No. He wouldn't call Jace. He needed to get it under control. He shifted his body, so that he was sitting on the floor, cross-legged. He dropped his head into his lap and started to count backwards from 100.

Come on Alec, get it together, he pleaded to himself as he stumbled over the numbers, unable to maintain more than 5 numbers in a row.

It took him over 10 minutes to get down to zero. His heart was still racing but his breathing seemed to be more manageable. He grabbed the edge of the bed and pushed himself up.

He couldn't stay here. He didn't know if he would survive through the night if he stayed.

Grabbing only his phone, stele and a sweater, he slipped out of his room. He wasn't thinking beyond getting out of there. All he knew was that he couldn't spend the night at the Institute.

**xxxxxx**

Magnus was enjoying his marathon of America's Next Top Model. He had a large bowl of carmel popcorn in his lap and his cat curled up beside him.

When he heard the buzzing sound, he quirked an eyebrow up and frowned. He was not in the mood to be interrupted. If this was that damned ifrit from earlier today, he may not be responsible for his actions.

Too lazy to get up, he waved his hand and called out to the speaker. "You had better have a good damn reason for interrupting the HIGH WARLOCK at this hour!"

No sound came through.

Magnus was annoyed. "SPEAK!"

"I'm sorry...this was a mistake," came a voice through the speaker.

The shadowhunter from yesterday? Well, wasn't this a case of deja vu. Except he sounded different. Not nervous like the first time he interrupted him during a show but something was definitely off.

"Wait," Magnus called back before buzzing the teenager in. "Come up."

He waited a few minutes. He was starting to think that the Nephilim had left before he heard a hesitant knock on his door.

When he opened the door, he came face to face with a visibly distraught Lightwood. He was standing before him in entirely black hunting gear, his hair disheveled around his face. His beautiful blue eyes were bloodshot and dark circles peeked out from underneath his long lashes.

"I didn't know where else to go," he whispered. One of his hands was painfully gripping the doorknob while his other one was crossed over his midsection and clinging to the material of his sleeve. "C-can I stay here tonight?"

Magnus looked at the boy, horrified, thinking the worst.

* * *

**A/N: **I'm so glad this chapter is over! I felt like I was dealing with a lot of logistics to get Alec to Magnus's place but we're here and I hope to hear what you think! Again, thank you for all the feedback!


	6. A Safe Place

**A/N: **Thank you so very much for all the reviews! They are so appreciated. Here is the next chapter. Just as a small note, I'm assuming that the Lightwood children were very sheltered growing up and never exposed to the media or older kids and thus, didn't learn about things most 13-year-olds today would know at least a little bit about.

**Updated A/N: **Some reviewers pointed out that I forgot about Magnus's spare bedrooms. I live in NYC and forget that some people have spare bedrooms. I've fixed that now! No sleeping on the couch for my favorite shadowhunter :).

**Disclaimer: **The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

**Warnings: **_This chapter includes f__eelings and memories associated with sexual abuse, nothing explicit__. _Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

**Learning to Be**

**Chapter 5: A Safe Place**

Magnus moved out of the way of the doorway to let the teenager into the loft. Alec slipped inside and leaned against the closed door, his arms wrapped protectively around himself and his eyes avoiding the man in front of him.

The warlock feared that the poor boy had come out to his parents and they had proceeded to kick him out. He wouldn't put it past the Lightwoods.

"What happened, Alec?" he asked gently. "Did your parents kick you out?"

Alec lifted his head and looked at Magnus. "No. No, they didn't." He crinkled his eyebrows and despite his distraught appearance, it was so endearing.

Magnus reached out to guide him to the couch but Alec jerked away. Magnus raised an eyebrow. He was so jumpy.

"Come, let's sit down."

"O-okay," Alec murmured, following the older man to the couch. Alec sat on the edge of the sofa, as far away from Magnus as possible. He placed his hands on his knees and absently rubbed them. "I'm so sorry. I know I'm intruding."

"Nonsense," Magnus said, waving away the apology. "I enjoy your presence, especially in this delicious hunting gear. Much better than the baggy, faded sweaters."

Alec bit his bottom lip. "Maybe this was a mistake."

Magnus sighed. Apparently, he really needed to watch what he said. "I jest," he finally said, even if it was a lie. "Tell me what's wrong. Why can't you stay the night at home?"

Alec flinched and looked down. "I can't talk about it. Please."

Magnus didn't know what to say. A barely legal, closeted shadowhunter that he only met a few days ago shows up at his doorstep in the middle of the night, upset and unable to stay at home and he can't know why.

"I know I'm imposing. We barely know each other and I show up in the middle of the night and..."

"Hey, darling, it's okay." Magnus decided not to push the Nephilim.

"I'm sorry."

"You have got to stop apologizing."

Alec nodded. "It's crazy but for some reason, I feel like I can trust you even though we barely know each other."

Magnus grinned and leaned back. "I know I'm irresistible."

Alec didn't seem to register his words. "I-I don't ever trust people." His voice was a whisper. "I mean, the only people I trust are my siblings."

Magnus frowned. He didn't miss the fact that Alec excluded his parents from the list of those he trusts.

"It's absolutely irrational. This feeling." He looked up at Magnus, his beautiful eyes swimming with confusion. "Why do I trust you?" He pushed himself into the corner of the couch, like the cushions would protect him from harm.

Magnus wanted to reach forward and comfort him but he knew from past experiences that Alec didn't respond well to unexpected touches. "I won't break that trust, Alec." Magnus didn't even know where this was suddenly coming from but he felt a strong desire to reassure the shadowhunter.

Alec frowned. "Don't make promises you can't keep."

"I never do," he stated simply. What has happened in this boy's life to make him so untrusting?

"I hope I didn't interrupt anything important," he said, quickly changing the subject.

"Well, actually I was in the middle of an America's Next Top Model marathon but it's more entertaining with some company. Popcorn?" He grabbed the bowl of popcorn and placed it between them, waving his hand towards the TV. The screen came to life. Alec scooped some popcorn into his hand and popped one into his mouth.

"I don't know this show," he said in-between bites.

"Of course you don't. Do you shadowhunters even own a TV."

"We have a TV," he said defensively but then looked sheepishly at the screen. "But we don't have cable."

Magnus chuckled. "Well, my dear, I shall begin to introduce you to hours of entertainment."

"I don't get it. What are all these girls doing? Why are they walking funny? Why are they making those odd faces?"

Magnus couldn't help but smile. This boy was so cute.

"What?" Alec said. "Why are you smiling?"

"Oh nothing. Let me explain to you the world of modeling."

Alec frowned after Magnus finished his spiel. "So, you're telling me that people get paid a lot of money to wear clothes and take pictures in them? That seems like a big waste of money!"

"It's more complicated than that," Magnus said with a chuckle. "It's a form of advertising fashion and there is a lot of money in the industry. And you need to have the right look for the clothing line, the right expressions, the right walk."

Alec looked skeptical.

"You have the look for a model," Magnus continued. "Tall and lean, sharp features and stunning eyes."

Alec blushed but unlike before didn't look uncomfortable at the compliment. "Then you have the look too." His cheeks reddened some more.

Magnus grinned. "You think I'm hot?" He winked at the boy.

"I-I...no...I mean...you're..." He was flustered and confused.

"Hey, it's okay, Alec." Magnus refrained from reaching out.

Alec nodded absently and yawned.

The boy looked exhausted. "Did you bring anything from home to sleep in?"

Alec frowned. "I didn't think about it when I left. I kind of left in a rush."

Magnus was reminded that he didn't know what forced the Nephilim out of his own home.

"No problem." He snapped his fingers. Alec jumped as a pile of clothes landed on his lap. "There's a towel, some sweats and a t-shirt. There's new toothbrushes in the bathroom cabinet and feel free to use any of my toiletries. The bathroom is right through there," he said, pointing towards the bathroom.

Alec hugged the clothes to his chest and stood up. "Thank you."

**xxxxxx**

Alec locked the bathroom door behind him and stared at his reflection in the mirror. He ran his fingers over the dark circles under his eyes, which stood out against his porcelain skin. He sighed as he pulled off his hunting gear. He turned away from the mirror. He hated looking at his body.

Once he was under the water, he could feel the weight of exhaustion sweeping over him. He found himself sliding down to the floor and drawing his knees up to his chest. The hot water sprayed over his hair as he buried his head in his knees.

His thoughts were racing all over the place and he couldn't seem to get them under control. One minute he would feel the painful reminder of who slept in the institute while he hid away with a Downwolder he barely knew and the next minute he was thinking about the warlock's captivating eyes and perfect lips.

Alec groaned. He didn't want to think about Magnus's attractiveness. He couldn't imagine somebody touching him without falling apart into a million broken pieces and yet, his mind wouldn't let it go. He dug his fingernails into his calves, willing the skin to break. He didn't bring his razor with him.

**xxxxxx**

He was putting away dishes the old fashioned way when Alec stepped out of the bathroom. Magnus looked up and smiled internally at the night clothes Magnus had given the teenager.

His wet hair was plastered to the side of his face. He stood uncertainly, trying to pull up the gray sweats that sat low on his hips. The top he was wearing was bottle blue, a perfect match to his eyes. It was v-necked and fitted. Magnus tried not to leer at the gorgeous boy. Alec ran his hand through his hair, his shirt rising just a bit to reveal a strip of pale skin.

Magnus bit his lip. "Did you have everything you needed?" he finally said.

Alec nodded. "Yes, thank you."

"I made up a spare bedroom for you."

Alec walked passed the couch and as his back was to Magnus, the warlock grinned. Across the seat of the sweats, the word "Bootylicious" was printed in glittery red ink. And the pants did not lie.

Alec turned to the warlock and Magnus quickly composed himself.

"Magnus, thank you. I know I'm imposing but yeah, I just, I'm really grateful."

"You have got to stop. If you were imposing, you wouldn't still be here."

"I'll be out of your hair early tomorrow morning. I should make it back to the institute before people realize I'm gone."

Magnus frowned, hating that he had no idea why Alec was here in the first place.

"I have an early appointment tomorrow, so we can eat some breakfast before heading out."

"That sounds nice," Alec said shyly.

Magnus smiled.

"Good night, Alec."

"Good night."

**xxxxxx**

_Four Years and 10 Months Earlier_

Alec wasn't sleeping. He was waiting. He lay in his bed, his small fists clenched around his sheets. He hated night. He hated sleeping. He hated his room. But everyday he went to bed and waited.

It had been two months since Ben had come to his room that first night. At first, the older man would touch him in places that made him feel uncomfortable. It would be dark and he would close his eyes, his heart pounding as unwanted hands and lips explored his body as he lay there, unmoving.

He hated it.

Then he made Alec touch him.

_"Alec, you need to return the favor."_

_Alec shook his head, tears running down his face._

_"Don't make me angry. Do you want your parents to know what a dirty little boy you are?"_

He hated it.

But a month ago, he introduced a new and painful horror. Alec had broken bones. He had accidentally burned his hand when he tried to fry eggs a couple of years ago. He had come down with an excruciating virus that left him bedridden for a week. But none of that compared to the pain Ben now inflicted on him on a nightly basis. Alec always felt like he was drowning—drowning in the pain and the shame and the unwanted touches and the horrible noises he made as he did unspeakable things to him.

Ben called it sex.

Alec couldn't pinpoint when he stopped talking but he knew it was soon after Ben started having sex with him. It's not like he consciously stopped speaking. It was like he couldn't speak anymore. Like his voice could no longer form words.

The boy heard the doorknob turning. Alec squeezed his eyes shut and tightened his grip on his sheets.

**xxxxxx**

Magnus was jolted out of his slumber. He sat up, groggily. What was that noise? Was there someone in his spare room?

It took him a moment to remember the eldest Lightwood child showing up at his apartment, needing a place to sleep.

He listened carefully. He could hear whimpering and then a scream. He shot out of his bed and hurried into the other room.

On the large bed lay the Nephilim, tangled in the sheets, his body twisting like he was trying to get away from something. Sweat glistened on his forehead and tears cut through his cheeks. Pain was evident on his face.

Without thinking, Magnus fell to his knees beside the bed and placed his hand gently on the boy's forehead. "Shh, it's okay. You're safe, darling."

Alec's body stopped moving and his head lulled to the side, settling into a magically induced dreamless sleep.

Magnus sat against the nightstand. He summoned a washcloth to his hand and leaned forward, gently wiping the sweat away from the boy's face. When he was satisfied, he leaned back, his eyes trained on the shadowhunter.

He frowned, deep in thought. What could cause this sweet, innocent boy such anguish?

* * *

**A/N: **Another chapter done. Let me know what you think.


	7. Running

**A/N: **I know this is a super quick update but it's also the shortest chapter I've written. Hopefully I have more up later this week. I really appreciate all the reviews and hope to read some more :). And I love that everyone loves the "Bootylicious" sweats! Alec doesn't know what they say, so I'll definitely be bringing them back :).

**A/N2: **As people mentioned before, Magnus has spare bedrooms, which I fixed in the previous chapter :).

**Disclaimer: **The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

**Warnings: **_There be foul language and violence in this chapter. _Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

**Learning to Be**

**Chapter 6: Running**

Alec heard the incessant beeping of his phone alarm but was trying hard to ignore it. He tried to bury himself deeper into the soft blankets. He hadn't slept so peacefully in ages.

When he finally opened his eyes, unable to ignore the annoying sound any longer, he crinkled his brow in confusion. Where was he? Instantly, all sleepiness vanished and he shot up into a seated position, his eyes assessing his surroundings.

He was in an unfamiliar bedroom. The soft colors and playful art lining the walls would never be found at the Institute. Slowly, the memories from last night chased away the confusion and he blushed. He was at Magnus's place.

He scrambled out of bed and checked his phone. It was 6am. Since they had gone hunting last night, his siblings wouldn't be up for a few more hours but he knew he should send a text to Jace in case he got up early and decided to check on him.

His fingers flew over the keypad quickly before he placed the phone on the nightstand. He pulled at the sweats riding low on his hips, frowning. Why wouldn't they stay up. He looked around for his own clothes but couldn't find them. He must have left them in the living room. He wondered if Magnus would be up. He didn't want to wake up the warlock.

Maybe he should just slip out before he woke up. He didn't want to overstay his welcome. No, that would be rude. Magnus had been unbelievably kind to him, letting him stay here and not asking too many questions. Alec didn't know what he would have done otherwise.

His heart clenched at the thought, remembering that he would soon be returning to the same situation that he fled from the night before. But at least it would be daytime. The daytime was never as terrifying as what night always promised.

When he stepped out of the bedroom, the smell of frying eggs and bacon met his nostrils and his stomach growled, a reminder that he hadn't eaten anything the day before. As he moved away from the bedroom door he was greeted by the sight of the warlock by the stove, his back turned away from the shadowhunter.

He was wearing nothing but a pair of boxers and his hair pooled at his shoulders in straight strands. Alec bit his bottom lip, unable to tear his eyes away. He was long and lean, subtle muscles defining his back and arms. Alec had a sudden desire to run his hand down the man's caramel skin, feeling the definition of his back.

The warlock turned around and smiled at the teenager. "Good morning dear Alec. I hope you like eggs and bacon." He smiled brightly and Alec's heart skipped a beat. He was stunning.

Alec curled his fingers, feeling nauseous and hating himself for his thoughts. He willed his eyes closed and sucked in some air. When he opened his eyes, Magnus was looking at him with concern, his upper body now covered with a t-shirt. Alec felt inexplicably disappointed but shoved the feeling aside and smiled tentatively.

"Good morning. Eggs and bacon sounds great," he said softly.

**xxxxxx**

Jace got up to the sound of his phone sending him an alert. He looked over at his clock. 6:03 am. Who the hell was texting him at this hour?

He grabbed his phone and flipped it open.

_Just in case you get up early and can't find me, I went for a run. I'll see you when I get back. -Alec_

Jace sighed, running his fingers through his hair, hoping Alec had been able to get at least some sleep last night.

Knowing that he wouldn't get anymore sleep himself, Jace quickly threw on some jeans and a t-shirt and grabbed his stele.

He hadn't slept very well and his minds was racing with angry thoughts that he couldn't seem to get under control.

Anger at Maryse and Robert for never reporting the bastard and letting him stay here. Fuck the Clave and their mandates.

Anger at the bastard that destroyed his best friend's childhood and left a barely functioning teenager in his wake.

But most of all, anger at himself. Anger at himself for not knowing what was going on with his adoptive brother. He was practically screaming for help by staying silent for almost a year and Jace hadn't tried hard enough to figure out what was going on.

He clenched his fist as he made his way towards the west wing. He wanted to punch a hole through the wall. Instead he pressed his stele into his skin and drew a hearing-enhancing rune.

He walked slowly down the dark corridors, his ears picking up every noise from the creaking of the floorboards to the ticking of a nearby grandfather clock in full clarity.

Finally he heard the sound he was looking for and stopped. He turned to the door, listening to the snoring and breathing from within, the sounds hitting his ears ten times louder than normal. He waited a few minutes for the effects of the rune to fade away before attempting the doorknob.

It was locked. He took out his stele again and drew an unlocking rune into the door. Soon he heard a click and he quickly opened the door.

The room was small and plain. In the center, on the twin bed, a man slept. He was lying on his back with the sheets kicked to one side.

Jace scowled. Pure hatred and disgust brewed dangerously in the pit of his stomach. He stepped into the room and slammed the door as forcefully as he could, the sound resonating through the room loudly.

He stood in the center of the room and watched as the man jerked up, his eyes blinking rapidly in confusion. Finally, the man seemed to collect himself and swung his legs off the bed, standing up.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he growled. He stood in a pair of boxers. While he was taller than Jace, he was probably shorter than Alec. But he was definitely wider and heavier than both teenagers. Jace's anger only grew, remembering how small Alec was five years ago.

"What? You don't like it when people come into your room unwelcome?" Jace's voice was dangerously calm.

Ben narrowed his eyes. "You should leave."

"Or what? You'll try to rape me?" Jace didn't care how callous he was being. Images of the grown man towering over Alec danced in his vision. He moved swiftly, shoving the man against the wall so quickly, the older man did not have time to react. Jace had him pinned between the wall and his arm, which was pressed against his upper chest.

"But you're not interested in me, are you? You like young, scared, defenseless little boys, right?"

Ben smirked, not knowing the buttons he was pushing. "He enjoyed it as much as I did. Fuck, I get hard just thinking about it."

Jace saw red. It flashed behind his eyes, an uncontrollable rage exploding like thunder erupting just behind his ears.

Any common sense flew from his mind and his fist landed squarely in the man's jaw. His head went flying to the side but Jace did not stop. The older shadowhunter tried to push the teenager away and hit him but Jace was faster and stronger, holding the man while he rained punches down like the man's body was a punching bag.

Finally, Jace stopped. He blinked, staring at the man, who was barely holding himself up, Jace's arm the only thing keeping him from sliding to the floor. His face and chest were littered with bruises and blood where Jace had managed to break skin.

Jace stepped back, his heart racing. The man slid to the ground, groaning loudly but not passing out. Jace picked up the man's steele that sat on the nightstand.

"You so much as glance at my brother, I will fuck you up so bad, even an iratze will be useless."

He threw the steele at the man's feet and turned around, quickly leaving the room and finding the nearest bathroom.

He leaned his hands against the sink and stared at himself in the mirror. He looked almost crazed.

He looked down at his left hand. His knuckles were torn and bloody. Slowly he turned on the faucet and waited for the water to heat up before he ran his hand under the water, watching the water in the sink turn pink as it swirled down the drain.

Fuck.

He closed his eyes. He needed to get it together.

* * *

**A/N: **So, I know this was a super short chapter but it did not make sense to write the next scene in this chapter, as these two scenes were linked by Alec's text. I hope the timeline isn't moving too slowly for people, considering only two nights have passed since chapter 1. I have the main events figured out but weaving them together with the character and emotion pieces is harder to navigate. This story is more about the character development and growth than anything else, though.

We'll learn more about Alec's headspace when it comes to his distorted feelings about his sexuality. As for Jace, even though he wasn't subjected to the same horrors as Alec, he was traumatized by what he saw as a child, so he has some stuff to deal with too.

Please let me know what you think!


	8. Sparring

**A/N: **This chapter took longer to get on virtual paper but it's finally here. As I continue to write this, Alec's emotions are getting more complicated and it definitely takes time to flesh out. I am forever grateful for the feedback and comments!

**Disclaimer: **The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

**Warnings: **_Alec thinks about the abuse in this chapter and while it's not explicitly descriptive, it's painful. _Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

**Learning to Be**

**Chapter 7: Sparring**

Alec wiped away the beads of sweat building up on his forehead as he pounded his fists into the punching bag hanging in the center of the training room. Alec didn't often pull down the bag during training, opting to hone his archery skills or sparring with Jace or Isabelle but he knew that archery was not going to help him release some of the tension that was brewing inside.

He heard the door to the room open and he instantly stopped, swinging around, his heart racing faster than he knew was normal, despite his current level of exertion. He lifted his fists to his chin, internally cursing for not being within reach of a weapon.

"It's me," a familiar voice announced.

Alec's shoulders instantly slumped and his cheeks reddened with embarrassment. It was just Jace. He closed his eyes, knowing that he was going to remain jumpy until Manson left the Institute.

"Sorry," the older boy muttered.

Jace just shook his head, dismissing Alec's behavior. "I didn't see you when you came in this morning."

"I texted you when I got home," Alec replied.

"Are you avoiding me, Alec?"

Alec shook his head. "I just needed to be alone for a bit."

"You still want to be alone or would you like a real sparring partner?" he said, nodding towards the barely-used punching bag.

Alec nodded. "Yeah, that would be good. Here, help me get this back up."

Once the boys had put away the bag and Jace had gotten into his training gear, the Parabatai circled the center of the room. Alec felt himself falling into a rhythm of throwing punches and ducking blows as the two brothers fell into their normal routine. It was comforting, sparring with Jace, like nothing had changed, like Alec wasn't silently drowning in his own misery and jumping at every turn in the place that hadn't been a safe haven to him for five years but was now just as terrifying as it had been for so many months when he was a boy.

The two teenagers continued sparring for almost two hours before they collapsed against a mirrored wall, both boys sinking to the floor and stretching their legs out in front of themselves.

Jace huffed out some air. "I don't know how you lasted this long after that run you went on this morning."

Alec bit his lip, remembering his lie from earlier in the day. He shrugged. "A lot of pent of energy, I guess."

Jace looked over at the boy seated beside him. Alec could feel his eyes boring into him, like if he stared hard enough he could pull out his thoughts.

"What? Am I growing a third arm?" Alec said lightly, running his hand through his now-damp hair.

Jace turned away, leaning his head back and sighing. "Did you sleep all right?"

"Not bad, actually," Alec said truthfully, still marveling at the fact that he didn't remember any nightmares.

Jace shifted his body, drawing his legs into a criss-cross position and looked at his brother. "You know," he said carefully. "We never talked about _it_."

Alec's entire body tensed. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, Alec, think about it. There's this huge, horrible...thing," he started. Alec knew he didn't have the words to describe it, at least not without causing even more discomfort. "That you know I know about and we've just pretended that I don't know for the last four years. I mean, you remember me being there, right?"

Alec stared ahead, avoiding Jace's gaze. He drew his legs in, hugging his knees to his chest, much like he had done on that night. "I remember," he said softly. He tried to keep the water from building behind his eyes. "You...you were the one..." He couldn't say it.

He remembered Manson on top of him, his small body moving with each of the man's vicious thrusts, pain that he was now accustom to racing through him. He hadn't noticed Max entering the room the first time. His head was always turned away from the door but the second time, when he heard his mother yell, his whole world halted, including the man above him. He remembered Jace flying forward and the jolting pain of his tormenter being shoved off of him. He remembered scrambling to the headboard, ignoring the sharp agony that came with his quick movements, wanting nothing but to disappear from existence as the majority of his family filtered into the room and witnessed his shameful secret.

"I never wanted to talk about it," he finally said.

"You never talked about it to anyone? Not even Maryse?"

Alec laughed humorlessly. "Maybe if I had talked to her, he wouldn't be here and I wouldn't be jumping every time someone opens a door."

Jace clenched his jaw.

"By the time I was talking again, I think they were just happy that I wasn't silent anymore. They didn't want to talk about it and I was more than happy to keep things that way."

"I think that maybe you should..."

Alec looked at Jace. "Should what?"

"Talk about it. I mean, I don't think it's very healthy to keep all that...pain bottled up."

Alec shook his head, his jaw set. "I don't think so."

Jace sighed and they remained silent for a few minutes. Finally, the blonde broke the silence. "We were the same age but he..."

Alec tensed once more. How many times had he thought about it. Alec and Jace were practically the same age and Manson had picked him. Not once had Alec ever wished that he had targeted Jace. He loved his adoptive brother and he would take all the pain the world had to offer if it would spare the younger boy. But that didn't stop him from wondering if maybe he was chosen because he was being punished.

"I wish I could have protected you."

Alec doubted that a 12-year-old, despite all his strength could have protected him. "You didn't know."

"Sometimes..." He looked away from the older boy. "Maybe if he had picked me..."

Alec felt his whole body jerk as he jumped to his feet, glaring down at his Parabatai. "Then what?" Alec hissed. "Why would you even say that?"

"It's just, I see you now and..."

"And what? What, Jace? You think because I'm weaker than you...because I'm weak and pathetic, if he had picked you, you wouldn't have let him..." He was having trouble breathing. Tears blurred his vision. They all thought he was weak. He was shameful and dirty. Maybe Jace even thought he wanted it. He drew in some air.

Jace sprung to his feet and reached out for Alec. "Never, Alec," he implored.

Alec jerked away again. "Just stay away from me, Jace," he hissed before turning and storming out of the room.

**xxxxxx**

Jace stood frozen in the center of the training room, feeling nauseous. What had he done? How could Alec think that he thought he was weak and pathetic? He replayed their conversation, trying to see how he had come to that conclusion.

Deciding that thinking about it wouldn't help, he left the room and headed towards Alec's room. He barged into the room, surprised it was unlocked but when he found it empty, he groaned with frustration.

Next, he checked the bathroom. He could hear water running from inside and he sighed with relief. Knowing that the boy had to eventually come out, Jace sank to the floor beside the bathroom and waited.

He realized now that Alec had a warped perception of himself and what Jace had said hadn't helped. Jace didn't think that he was weaker than him and he wouldn't pretend to understand the fear, shame and pain that Alec endured for so long or to think that he would have somehow reacted differently to the same trauma.

The sick bastard had access to two boys of the same age and he had focused his attention on Alec instead of Jace and Jace would be lying if said he hadn't thought about it. It was easy to say that he wished that it had been him in order to take away his best friend's pain when it was in the past and he didn't have to actually be confronted with the possibility. By some trick of fate, he had been safe while Alec had suffered in silence.

He jumped to his feet when he heard the doorknob turn. Alec yelled and stumbled back and in retrospect, Jace probably shouldn't have been hovering right outside the bathroom, unannounced. He slammed the bathroom door shut.

"Alec, damn it, come out."

"What the fuck, Jace!" he called back. He could hear him getting his breathing under control.

"I'm sorry. I just want to talk."

Finally the older boy stepped out. He was wearing a t-shirt and a pair of black track pants but Jace's eyes instantly fell on the newly drawn iratze on the inside of his lower arm.

"Were you hurt?" Jace asked, eyeing the rune suspiciously.

Alec instinctively covered the rune with his hand. "Um, yeah, from yesterday, I just didn't realize until now."

Jace narrowed his eyes, not believing him. Neither of them got near the demon. Isabelle had disposed of it in under a minute tops.

"What are you doing here, Jace?" Alec said, his voice laced with annoyance.

Jace's mind was drawn away from the lies surrounding the iratze. "Alec, how could you think that I think you're weak or pathetic? Not once have I thought that."_  
_

Alec sighed and moved away from the bathroom. Jace followed him into the bedroom and fell into Alec's desk chair. Alec sat on the edge of his bed and looked at his Parabatai.

Jace needed to clarify a few things. "Look, what I said, I said because I would want to do anything to take away your suffering."

Alec opened his mouth to say something but Jace cut him off.

"Just like you would do anything for me. Tell me Alec, do you wish that it had been me?"

Alec's eyes blazed angrily. "Never," he said fiercely.

"Exactly. I won't pretend that I could even begin to understand what you've been through, Alec. I'm sorry if you thought for a minute that I was judging you in any way. You are always protecting us, Alec. You have the purest heart I know and I just...I want so badly to take this all away from you."

Alec laughed harshly. "Pure is not a word I would use to describe me."

Jace felt like like a fist was squeezing his heart. "Alec..."

"I _am_ weaker, Jace. He picked me because he could see it as plain as you see my black hair and blue eyes. He knew things about me. Things that I am ashamed of and he used that...I was easy, Jace. For Raziel's sake, I went silent and let him do whatever he wanted." Jace could hear Alec's voice catching. "But if me being weaker meant that he didn't hurt you or Izzy or Max, then I should be glad."

"Alec," Jace said harshly, causing his brother's head to snap up, his haunted eyes looking at him, slightly startled. "I need you to stop believing these lies you've built up in your head. You didn't let him do anything, do you understand?"

Alec just shook his head and grabbed a pair of sneakers. He stood up and tried to smile at his brother. "Thanks, Jace," he said, although it sounded more like a formality than an acknowledgment that he believed anything Jace said.

"I think I'm going to go for another run," he said, quickly slipping passed the blonde teenager. "Text me if we're going demon hunting later."

Jace watched him leave, feeling utterly defeated. He ran a hand through his hair. He felt alone and lost and he wished he had someone to turn to to help him get through to the broken teenager.

* * *

**A/N: **Wow, that was hard to write. At first I had writer's block and then I thought I would get this Alec/Jace scene and the next Malec scene in this chapter but the Alec/Jace scene kind of ran away with itself. As I keep writing this story, I'm starting to realize how complicated Alec's emotions are. Luckily you guys seem to be okay with the slower pace. So, next up Alec's going to get a text from a certain warlock and we will be on to more Malec. And I promise that eventually, Magnus and Isabelle will find out what's going on. Please let me know what you think, as I am totally driven by your comments!


	9. Brooklyn Bridge

**A/N: **Thank you so much for your reviews! I truly appreciate them and look forward to reading more :). Let me know what you think of this chapter.

**Disclaimer: **The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

**Warnings: **Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

**Learning to Be**

**Chapter 8: Brooklyn Bridge**

Alec concentrated on the rhythm of his movements as his running shoes pounded against the cement. He kept a steady pace as he followed the curve of the path situated between the cars racing down the FDR and the lazy current of the East River. Next to archery, running was something Alec excelled at; not that running was a very useful skill as a shadowhunter.

He could out run any of his siblings but both Jace and Isabelle did not care to build up the stamina and speed that Alec had developed over years of running along the FDR or occasionally the perimeter of Central Park. It was an outlet for Alec. When he was running, he could clear his mind and focus on the beat of his heart and feet as he raced down the east side of Manhattan.

Alec brushed some hair out of his face, tucking a strand behind his ear and frowned. He was finding it very hard to keep his focus on the mechanics of running. His thoughts quickly wandered into dangerous territory.

_Alec sat in the library, trying to read the chapter Hodge had assigned him. He had been reading the same sentence over and over again and he had no idea what it said. Occasionally, he would lift his eyes and see Jace flipping through the pages quickly. He was sprawled out in an armchair a few feet away. His curls framed his face and he had his face scrunched in concentration. He felt the familiar flutter in his stomach and squeezed his eyes closed, feeling like he was going to puke. He just wanted it all to stop._

_He felt a hand on his shoulder and his eyes flung open, his entire body jerking at the touch. He shifted away, his heart suddenly pounding, the familiar smell of __cologne giving away the identity of the hand without looking at him. _

_"You really should concentrate on your studies, don't you think, Alexander?" Manson said in a hushed voice. He slid into the chair beside him and dropped his hand to Alec's knee. _

_Alec stared at the words on the page, trying to control his breathing. _

_"Let me help you."_

_Alec gripped the edge of the table tightly as the hand moved up his leg and the man started roughly massaging his thigh. Alec raised his eyes, keeping them hidden under his lashes and looked at Jace, hoping that he wouldn't notice. _

_Jace looked up and smiled at Alec. "This is riveting stuff, isn't it?" Jace said, sarcastically._

_Alec managed to nod, before looking down and allowing his hair to cover his face. _

_"A necessary evil," Manson replied, jovially, squeezing tightly underneath the table._

_Alec closed his eyes. This was his punishment for his treacherous feelings._

Alec stopped abruptly, bending down slightly, resting his hands on his knees. He sighed loudly before moving to lean against the fence that separated the pathway from the river. He looked out into Queens across the water. He knew why he had been drawn to that particular memory. It was the first time Alec had realized that he wasn't safe anywhere. The torture wasn't limited to his bedroom. Manson could get away with anything because Alec deserved it. Jace had sat across from him, an image of light and purity with his blonde hair, bright smile and carefree voice in stark contrast to Alec with the darkness and silence that consumed him.

The teenager moved away from the fence and started running again. He began reciting the names and characteristics of different demons in his head as he picked up the pace, pushing himself harder than before, wanting to feel the burn in his thighs and calves. He had covered five miles when he felt the buzz of his phone in his pocket. He stopped once more to dig out his phone.

It was too early to go demon hunting. He flipped open his phone and looked at it, surprised.

_Magnus the Magnificent: How are you feeling, dear Nephilim?_

Alec couldn't help the smile from forming. He knew the feelings that came up when he thought about the warlock terrified him but he found that the fear wasn't strong enough to deter him from seeking the comfort that he felt when he was around him.

_All right. Just going for a run._

Magnus replied almost immediately.

_Magnus the Magnificent: Whereabouts are you?_

Alec glanced to his right, looking at the street signs.

_About two miles from Brooklyn Bridge._

___Magnus the Magnificent: Perfect. I'll meet you on the Manhattan side of the bridge._

Alec blinked, surprised at the impromptu invite to meet up. He bit his bottom lip, not knowing what to do. He had left the Institute to be alone but he wasn't opposed to spending time with the eccentric warlock.

_Magnus the Magnificent: Start running Shadowhunter. I'll be there in 15 minutes. If I get there first, I'll make you wear a scarf of my choosing._

Alec stared at the text, slightly mortified. He couldn't make him wear one of his ridiculous accessories, could he? He could just turn around and return home but instead he raced along the East River, deciding he did want to meet up with Magnus.

By the time he made it to the pedestrian entrance to Brooklyn Bridge, Alec was totally out of breath, perspiration running down the side of his face in beads. He wiped away the sweat as he scanned the busy intersection. Leaning against the gate by City Hall, was the tall Warlock, dressed in tight burgundy pants, combat boots and a bedazzled top. He caught Alec's eyes and grinned, waving a bright purple scarf in his hand.

Alec groaned and jogged across the street to the older man. "You said 15 minutes. It's only been 12!" Alec said as he steadied his breathing.

Magnus pushed away from the gate and sighed, wrapping the scarf around his own neck. "You, my dear, are splitting hairs but I concede. I'm impressed." He looked him up and down before continuing. "At the time and what all this sweat is doing to your clothes."

Alec looked down and noticed his damp t-shirt clinging to his chest and blushed. "I don't have a change of clothes."

Magnus just grinned. "You'll air dry."

Alec tried to smile but ended up tilting his lips awkwardly. He shifted his feet. "So, were you in the area?"

"I don't live too far by subway. But you know, I thought it would be nice for us to meet in the light of day like normal friends."

Alec's face reddened some more. "Yeah, about that...I'm really grateful."

Magnus lifted a hand. "I know you're grateful, Alec. Come on, let's cross this lovely bridge."

Alec nodded mutely before falling into step beside the warlock. The bridge was crowded, the majority of the pedestrians avoiding the bike lane while other spilled over into the less occupied lane, including Alec. Alec didn't like crowds and felt slightly overwhelmed by the hordes of tourists.

There was a loud honking sound coming from behind him. "Get out of the way!" yelled a biker.

Before he could react, Magnus grabbed a hold of his waist and pulled him out of the bike lane. Alec's immediate reaction was to jerk away but Magnus's hand held him tightly, pulling him further into the walk lane before letting go.

"Are you all right?"

Alec looked away, embarrassed. "I'm fine." His heart was racing and he didn't think it was because of the near collision with the angry biker.

"I could give him a flat tire," he said, mischievously.

"Magnus!"

"I jest. Though let me tell you about this one time. It was a few decades back when I was in Paris..." Alec listened to Magnus's elaborate story that seemed to be too surreal to be all true but he found himself laughing more than he had in a very long time.

"And then he blamed me for his flat tire! Can you believe it?"

Alec laughed lightly, his eyes dancing with amusement. "I don't know what parts to believe."

"I never lie, dear Shadowhunter."

"Does embellishing constitute as lying?"

"Not in my books."

Alec smiled. "Of course."

Magnus looked at him carefully.

"What?" Alec asked, shifting his feet.

Magnus smiled softly. "Nothing." He stopped walking and gestured Alec to the side. They were at the Brooklyn tower of the bridge. "Turn around."

Alec turned around to face Manhattan and found himself sucking his some air. The sun had started setting over the city, draping the skyline in vibrant yellows, oranges and purples that framed the city landscape like an artist expertly painting strokes with a brush.

"Sometimes we forget the beauty that was there all along."

Alec leaned against the ledge, soaking in the sight and nodding absently. Whenever he was out during the sunset, they were usually hunting demons in one of the more remote corners of the city.

**xxxxxx**

Magnus leaned against the ledge beside the teenager, watching him carefully. The lights of the setting sun framed the beautiful but melancholy boy. Alec was mesmerized by the sunset and it gave Magnus the chance to just watch the boy without him feeling self-conscious. Magnus wanted so badly to drape his arm around Alec but he refrained from any unexpected touches. Even when he had pulled the teenager away from the biker's path, he had immediately tensed at the touch.

Looking at him now, he looked almost peaceful, a soft smile gracing his stunning features and his blue eyes gazing into the distance. They stood in surprisingly comfortable silence for a few minutes before Magnus finally spoke.

"How do you feel about pizza for dinner?"

"Pizza sounds good."

"Have you heard of Grimaldi's?"

Alec shook his head.

"For a New Yorker, you know very little about the city."

Alec frowned. "Is it a mundane's pizza?"

Magnus chuckled. "Yes it is. It's become quite a tourist trap but it's close by and half decent. Maybe if we're in East Harlem sometime, I'll take you to get some truly astounding pizza. It's this little hole in the wall but the cook is an old warlock from Italy."

The unlikely pair continued to walk the remainder of the bridge before settling in a secluded part of the park right off the bridge.

"What about the pizza?" Alec asked.

Magnus smiled as Alec jumped slightly as a warm box appeared in the grass. Magnus opened the box and the smell of sizzling hot pizza wafted into the air.

Alec looked at it suspiciously. "Did you steal it? Wouldn't they notice it missing?"

Magnus dismissed the concern, pulling a slice away from the pie and handing it to Alec. "I left enough cash for the cost of the pie and a very nice tip. Don't worry."

Alec gave the warlock a skeptical look before biting into the pizza. Magnus raised an eyebrow. Even the way he bit into the pizza was sexy.

"Well?"

"It's delicious," he finally concluded.

Magnus smiled and grabbed a slice for himself.

"So how goes the sleeping arrangements for tonight? Is whatever prevented you from sleeping at home resolved?"

Magnus watched as the boy's entire demeanor shifted, his body tensing immediately. Magnus frowned. What was going on at that Institute?

Alec's eyes dropped to his lap and he frowned. "I..."

"You are welcome to spend the night at my place again," Magnus quickly interjected, feeling the boy growing more and more uncomfortable and distraught.

Alec closed his eyes and tilted his face away from Magnus. "I..." He drew in some air and placed the half eaten slice back in the box. "I would really appreciate it Magnus."

Magnus didn't know why he was willing to offer up his place so readily but he was inexplicably drawn to the Nephilim. "You can stay as long as you need."

Alec nodded slowly, still unable to make eye contact with the older man. "I don't know how I can ever repay you."

"Alec, look at me, please."

It was almost like it was painful for him to lock eyes with him. When he finally looked at him, Magnus held back a gasp. All the lightness that he saw for the last hour was gone, leaving behind stormy and anguished blue eyes.

"Hey, you don't have to repay me. This is how friendship works, all right?"

"Somehow I doubt friends of just a couple of days offer up their place as a crash pad."

"Well, I guess you're just special, then."

Alec shook his head, as if he was denying it. He was about to respond when his phone buzzed loudly. He fumbled through his pocket for the flip phone and quickly read the message.

"It's Jace."

"The annoying blonde one?"

Alec nodded absently. "There's some demon activity somewhere in Tribeca. They're headed down there now." He bit his lip. "It might be late by the time I'm done." He sounded so vulnerable when he said it, as if Magnus was about to take away his invitation.

"Just buzz when you get to my apartment and I'll let you in."

"But what if you're sleeping."

"Don't worry about it. You go do what you shadowhunters do best."

Both boys got up at the same time. "Thank you for this. It was really nice," Alec said shyly.

Magnus smiled broadly even though his thoughts were far from happy, watching the way Alec's mood had spiraled downwards once he brought up sleeping arrangements.

"I'll see you soon, Alec."

Alec stood awkwardly for a moment as if he was deciding whether or not to hug Magnus. Seeming to decide against it, he nodded and turned around, jogging back towards the bridge.

Magnus watched as the shadowhunter disappeared into the distance, feeling oddly helpless and lost. He closed his eyes, hating that the teenager was eliciting these emotions.

* * *

**A/N:** There you have it. Some running, a snapshot of the city and a little Malec time. More to come in the next chapter. And Alec is going to have a hard time figuring out how to get to Magnus's without his siblings asking too many questions...

Again, definitely a slower paced chapter but I will pick up the pace when the time is ready!

And finally, I know this may not be the place, but I recently posted a new Malec story here if anyone is interested.


	10. Frozen

**A/N: **The last chapter wasn't very eventful but I enjoyed the Malec time. Thank you to those who reviewed! This chapter is a tougher to read. Please leave me a review when you're done! As a side note, I'm assuming that Alec has killed at least one demon at this point.

**Disclaimer: **The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

**Warnings: **This chapter involves self-destructive behavior. Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

**Learning to Be**

**Chapter 9: Frozen**

Alec got out of the subway and walked towards the intersection Jace had texted him. The sun had fully set but the city was still alive with groups of people making their way through the streets. After a few turns, Alec found himself in a deserted area of the neighborhood. All he had with him was his stele. He had applied some routine runes but he was starting to think it would have been wiser for him to wait at the subway station for his siblings. Jace said he would bring his seraph blade and bow and arrows.

He cautiously walked down the street and was soon greeted by a shape-shifting demon. The demon was disguised as a woman. It was wearing a tight, low-cut blouse, torn jean shorts that barely covered it's backside and bright blue heeled boots. It sauntered towards Alec and he internally groaned. The demon didn't know he was a shadowhunter but at the same time, he didn't have a weapon to kill it.

"Hi there blue-eyes," the demon drawled, smiling seductively at the teenager.

Alec held back a flinch at the nickname. He would not show any weakness.

"What brings you to my humble little alley?" The demon leaned forward, inches away from Alec and dragged it's fingers along his cheek. Unable to control his body's reaction, he shuddered visibly and stepped back.

"I guess I got lost," he replied, hoping he would be able to stall until his siblings arrived.

"Well, don't be shy. I'm sure I can entertain you for a bit." It cupped the sides of Alec's face and claws suddenly extended from the manicured fingers. Alec immediately locked his arm around the demon's neck and flipped it back before kicking it swiftly in it's gut. The demon was crumbled against a wall, hissing softly.

"You're strong for a little boy," it hissed, the voice no longer seductive. It got up, eyes blazing like fire. Scales seemed to appear all over it's exposed skin. "But I'll enjoy devouring you, blue-eyes."

The demon flew at Alec but he quickly ducked and flung his fist into it's face. Greenish liquid spilled from the demon's mouth.

"Didn't your mother teach you not to hit a woman?" The demon's voice was sounding less and less human.

Before Alec could reply, he saw a flash of something pass between himself and the demon. The end of a long whip curled around the demon's neck and the demon was instantly jerked away from him.

"Catch," Jace called and Alec raised his hand just in time to catch his seraph blade at it's hilt. He lunged forward and plunged the blade straight through the demon's chest and watched as the monster slowly grew smaller, disappearing all together within seconds.

His siblings jogged towards him. Izzy was drawing in her whip as they approached the older boy. "What the hell were you thinking, coming out here alone?" Izzy scolded as Jace handed over his bow and arrow.

"You should have waited at the subway station," Jace added.

"I can take care of myself," Alec muttered annoyed, even thought he knew they were right.

"I know that," Isabelle said gently. "But you didn't even have a weapon."

"I was doing a pretty good job stalling."

"Two days in a row and I've seen no action," Jace complained as the trio turned away from the street.

"In more than one way," teased Izzy.

Jace frowned. "Clary is just busy."

Alec ignored the two, his thoughts consumed with figuring out how he would slip away from them. It would be out of his way to go back to the Institute and then sneak out and go to Brooklyn. He contemplated just staying at the Institute for the night but instantly felt nauseous.

"You okay, Alec?" Izzy asked, looking at him with concern.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. I was just thinking."

**xxxxxx**

With no other option that didn't involve telling his siblings where he was going, Alec ended up returning to the Institute. He had just showered and was getting ready to sneak back outside. He had told Jace and Izzy that he was heading to bed.

He changed into a clean pair of jeans and a grey sweater and threw some night clothes and toiletries into a bag.

He grabbed his phone and sent a quick text to Magnus, saying that he was on his way before storing it in his pocket.

Alec snuck out of the Institute without bumping into anyone. He was walking down 92nd Street towards the 96th Street train station on Lexington when he felt his pocket vibrate. He paused and fished out his phone.

_Magnus the Magnificent:__ Looking forward to your arrival :)_

Alec smiled and an unfamiliar warm feeling swept over him. He was just about to respond when he felt someone else's presence. He snapped his head up and noticed a man approaching him.

It took him a moment to register the identity of the man and by then the man was standing in front of him.

"Alexander."

Alec stared at the man, his mind unable to comprehend what was happening. He was frozen, the man from his nightmares standing in front of him. He was nearly as tall as Alec but he was significantly broader than the teenager. His brown hair was slicked back and he wore all black, the tips of runes peeking out from underneath his collar and sleeves. To anyone else, he looked like an ordinary man. To Alec, he was a monster; a monster far worse than the most terrifying demon imaginable.

Despite being taller, Alec felt dwarfed as the man stood in front of him. Alec wanted to move. He wanted to ignore the man and keep walking but his body wasn't responding to his pleas. His chest hurt and his breathing was coming out in ragged breaths.

"Hey, Alec, you need to calm down," the man said, his voice laced with false concern. Alec saw the hand reach for him and yet he still couldn't move. The hand clamped onto his shoulder and it was like his entire body was unraveling. He didn't even register his body moving. He jerked away so violently, he felt his neck straining at the quick movement.

He stumbled backwards until he was leaning against the window of a bakery. The moon illuminated the man as he approached him. Alec was trapped. He wanted to say something. He wanted to yell and scream at the man but his voice was stuck, like something was keeping it hostage.

"Alexander, you've grown so much," Manson said, standing in front of him, with only an inch between them.

Alec turned his face away from him, his cheek now pressed against the cold glass. He felt fingers brush against his neck and Alec felt like he wanted to dissolve on the spot, disappear like the demon he had killed earlier.

"You're still so beautiful."

His body was shaking, the tremors vibrating through his body. He clenched his eyes shut, unwanted tears trailing down his face.

"How I wish you were still young, though." The voice was a whisper, hot breath brushing against his ear.

A thumb pressed against the corner of his eye, catching his tears. "Do you still not talk, Alexander? You were always so obedient, weren't you? You kept our little secret. If only your brother hadn't ruined everything."

He stepped away from Alec. "And now you are too old."

Alec's body was still trembling and he kept his eyes closed. It hurt to breathe and his heart pounded relentlessly behind his ribcage. Any faster and it would explode from within.

"I still dream about our time together."

The man was still talking.

"I hope you dream about us too."

Alec felt his body sinking to the ground.

"Good night, Alexander."

**xxxxxx**

The wind howled, biting into Alec's face and arms. He didn't know how long he had sat on the ground in front of the bakery. He felt numb. His skin did not register the cold air. His face was dry. The tears had dried and left stains that traced down his cheeks. He stared blankly forward, his legs sprawled in front of him and his fingers digging into his thighs. Something wet seeped into his pants but he didn't register that either.

He could hear a ringing sound from nearby but he tried to ignore it. It continued to ring insistently and it was like something pounding in his head. He just wanted it to stop and leave him alone. He grabbed at the source of the sound and flipped his phone open.

He could hear a faint sound coming from the phone that lay beside him.

"Alec?"

Stop, Alec thought. Why hand't the sounds stopped. He picked up the phone and pressed it to his ears.

"Alec, where are you? It's been almost two hours since you texted. One does not keep the High Warlock waiting, dear Nephilim."

"Go away." Alec's voice was barely a whisper.

There was a moment of silence and Alec felt relieved.

"Alec, where are you?"

Alec didn't say anything.

"Are you at the Institute?"

"No," Alec replied, as if on autopilot.

"Are you near my place?"

"No."

"Alec, listen carefully. Tell me exactly where you are."

"Will you go away?"

"Yes Alec. If you tell me where you are, I will hang up."

Alec paused. It was hard to think. Where was he?

"I'm on 92nd between 1st and 2nd."

"Okay, Alec. I'm hanging up now."

"Thank you," was the teenager's simple reply.

**xxxxxx**

Magnus paced the length of his living room. He had called the shadowhunter to scold him for making him wait but when he finally got a hold of the boy, he was greeted by a broken, barely audible voice. Something was definitely wrong. Despite only receiving a little information, Magnus knew something was terribly wrong.

He could get a hold of Alec's siblings, as they were probably at the Institute and closest to Alec but somehow, Magnus knew that this would devastate the already fragile teenager. He didn't know how he knew this but it was a feeling he couldn't shake whenever he thought of the option.

He could just leave it. He shouldn't be so invested in this shadowhunter anyway. He barely knew him and he was obviously too complicated to deal with. He dismissed the thought immediately. Despite everything, he was already invested and besides, any decent person would know that something was terribly wrong.

That left him with two options—take the train or portal to Alec's location. He paused from his pacing and lifted his hands, blue sparks jumping from his fingertips. If something was seriously wrong, he couldn't wait for the 45 minutes it would take to get there by train.

He stumbled out of the portal and allowed it to close before registering his surroundings. He had landed at the corner of 92nd and 1st and quickly made his way down the street. Under the faint glow of the moon and the streetlights he could see a figure seated against a storefront and he found himself jogging towards him.

When he reached the figure, he gasped, unable to hold in his shock. Alec was seated against a large window, his eyes barely open. His phone was laying beside him along with a backpack. It was opened and beside it was a razor, lined with blood. His arms were draped over his legs, long gashes littering both his forearms. Magnus looked down carefully and noticed that he hadn't nicked any major arteries but blood had still soaked into his pants and had started to stain the sidewalk.

Alec's eyes fluttered open, his blue eyes staring at him blankly. "Go away," he muttered.

"My dear Alec, what have you done?" Magnus didn't know what to think but he knew he needed to get the boy out of the street and stop the bleeding.

Magnus grabbed the razor and closed it. He grabbed Alec's phone and dropped both items in his pocket. He zipped up the backpack and slung it over his shoulder before he opened up a new portal. Thankfully, he hadn't used much magic today and would have enough energy to heal the boy but first, he was going to get him back to his loft.

He bent down and placed one arm behind his back and another under his knees.

"No," moaned Alec. "Leave me alone."

"Hey, it's going to be okay," Magnus said, soothingly as he picked up the shadowhunter. Magnus could feel the blood starting to seep into his shirt as he turned to the portal. He held the teenager tightly and stepped into the portal, disappearing from the quiet neighborhood, leaving behind only the dark stains in the concrete.

* * *

**A/N: **Alec! This was tough. Let me know what you think.


	11. Old Scars

**A/N: **Sorry for the delay in updating! The weekend was very busy. So many people reviewed the last chapter. I really, really appreciated it and I hope everyone has the chance to leave a review for this chapter. I love to know what you think! And to my _**anonymous reviewers**_, I cannot reply to your reviews via PM, like I do for the signed reviews, but know that I totally appreciate your reviews! Thank you!

**Disclaimer: **The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

**Warnings: **This chapter has a lot of discussion of self-destructive behavior. Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

**Learning to Be**

**Chapter 10: Old Scars**

Magnus braced himself as he stepped out of the portal into his spare bedroom with Alec in his arms. He carefully placed the shadowhunter on the bed before depositing the backpack on the floor.

Alec's eyes fluttered open and he looked around, dazed and confused. Magnus sat in the chair by the bedside as the teenager tried to sit up.

"Alec, you need to lie down," Magnus instructed. He placed a hand gently on his shoulder to keep him from sitting up but Alec immediately pushed him away, his eyes widening as he tired to move out of his reach. He was breathing heavily and looking at the warlock with distrust.

"I need you to breathe slowly, all right Alec? It's just me, Magnus. I promise, I'm not going to hurt you." His voice had never been so gentle and soothing. But it had been a long time since he had seen someone look so vulnerable and scared. He was suddenly reminded of his own reflection soon after he accidentally killed his father while he was trying to drown Magnus.

Alec just shook his head, grabbing at his arms, his fingers becoming slick with blood. Magnus reached his hand out once more and the teenager flinched before he even touched him. Magnus sighed and pressed his fingers to Alec's forehead and watched as the boy's eyes fluttered shut and he slumped against the headboard.

Magnus knew he was taking the easy route but he needed to heal the teenager and temporarily knocking him out was the easiest way to keep him still. He quickly repositioned the unconscious boy into a lying position and snapped his fingers, removing his shirt and pants. This was the second time he was seeing the Nephilim half naked and he was still unable to appreciate the beauty in front of him. Instead he went straight to accessing his body for injuries.

He started with his arms. He grabbed a wrist and frowned when he noticed just how many times he had cut himself. They looked like they were made frantically and without any thought. Blue sparks crackled from his fingers as he healed the cuts on both arms. Once they were gone and he had cleaned away the blood, Magnus noticed that there were still a spattering of scars that were not runes-not enough to notice them if you weren't looking for them but after how Magnus found him, they stood out as if they were bright, glittering lines. What was this Nephilim doing to himself? Or maybe the more important question was why.

He went to examine his legs just in case and he again noticed a few faint scars that disappeared under the bottom of his boxers. He let out a loud sigh of frustration before snapping his fingers again. Alec was clad in the sweatpants and tank top Magnus had given him the previous night.

After the boy was fully dressed, Magnus brushed his fingers against his forehead once more before leaning back and watching as Alec's piercing blue eyes were visible. At first, he just blinked, his head turning from side to side as if he was trying to figure out where he was and how he got here. Finally his eyes settled on the warlock and he could see the hint of panic creeping into him.

"You're at my loft, Alec. You're safe here."

Alec's eyes widened and he scrambled into a seating position. He grabbed at his arms, staring at the healed skin intently. "How...how did I get here?"

"I brought you here through a portal."

"A portal? How did you know where to find me?" He was rubbing at his arms, staring at them like they were foreign to his body.

"I asked you via text."

"My arms..."

"Were a bloody mess when I found you." Magnus tried to keep the anger out of his voice. What could compel Alec to do this to himself?

Alec squeezed his eyes shut, his body shaking slightly. "I..."

"What were you thinking?"

Alec swung his body to the side so that he was sitting with his legs over the ledge of the bed. "I should go."

"Go? Go where? You were on your way here when I found you."

Alec dropped his head into his hands, his body still trembling. When Magnus reached out to comfort him by placing a hand on his knee, Alec immediately flinched.

"I'm sorry," Alec mumbled, his face still buried in his hands.

Magnus closed his own eyes for a moment, trying to center himself. "Alec, look at me," he said gently.

Slowly Alec lifted his head. His eyes were bloodshot. Just a few hours ago, Magnus had spent a splendid evening with the shadowhunter and now, he was an absolute wreck.

Magnus placed his hands, palms up, in front of the younger man. "I want you to take my hands."

Alec looked at him with confusion. "Why?"

"Remember how you told me that you felt like you could trust me even though we barely knew each other."

Alec nodded.

"Do you trust me?"

Alec's bottom lip trembled. "I want to," he whispered.

"Take my hands, please, Alec."

Alec lifted his hands but hesitated for a moment. Finally, he placed his hands over Magnus's.

"I'm going to hold your hands, okay?" Magnus said.

Alec nodded tentatively. The teenager tensed as Magnus curled his fingers around the slightly smaller hands but he didn't pull away.

"I want you to know that I will not hurt you." He squeezed his hands lightly. "You are safe with me, okay?"

"I'm scared to believe that, Magnus. If I believe it to be true and it ends up being a lie...I...I don't think I'll recover. It's safer to not trust."

Magnus nodded. He related to having trust issues. The two people that he was supposed to trust implicitly broke it when he was a little boy and building that capacity afterwards had taken Magnus more years than Alec had in his lifetime.

"You don't have to believe it now but that doesn't change the fact that you are safe with me."

Alec slowly withdrew his hands, pressing them against his thighs, his eyes downcast. Magnus could see him biting his bottom lip, deep in thought.

"But Alec, we need to talk about this," he started gently.

Alec closed his eyes. "There's nothing to talk about," he muttered.

"I found you on the street, half conscious and your arms littered with self-inflicted cuts."

The teenager was now rubbing the base of his palms up and down his thighs, the material of the sweats gathering and separating with each stroke. "I should go," he repeated.

Magnus shook his head. "Go where? Back to the Institute?" Magnus knew he was being slightly cruel, but the conversation had to happen and he knew Alec did not want to spend the night at the Institute, even if he had no clue as to why.

Alec looked up, devastated eyes roaming the room before settling on his backpack. "Can I have my bag?"

Magnus reached to the side and grabbed the bag before passing it to Alec. The boy instantly started rummaging through the contents. Not finding what he wanted, he looked up at Magnus and he could see more panic creeping into his expression.

"What are you looking for?" Magnus knew exactly what he was looking for but he needed Alec to acknowledge it so they could talk about it.

Alec looked at him desperately. Magnus dug into his pocket and took out Alec's phone. "Are you looking for this?" he asked.

He frowned, taking the device in his hand. "Magnus, please."

"I'm not going to just let this go, Alec. A few hours ago, we're having a great time. Then you go back to that damn Institute and this happens," he said. Magnus spoke softly, trying to keep the anger from creeping into his voice.

Alec stood up abruptly. "I need to go to the bathroom."

Magnus stood in front of him and snapped his fingers. "You won't find anything sharp in there."

Alec flinched. "I...I wasn't going to..."

Magnus leaned against the bathroom door. "How long have you been hurting yourself?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I saw the old scars when I healed you."

Alec tensed and instantly wrapped his arms around himself protectively.

"But from what I saw today, you've done this more often than your scars may insinuate. I'm assuming you started using an iratze to heal them before they left scars. So, Alec, how long have you been doing this?"

Alec sank to the ground, leaning his back against the wall and drawing in his knees, defeat and exhaustion mingling with the pain evident on his face.

Magnus sank down beside him. Very few people could make him sit on the floor but he didn't even think about it.

"A few years," Alec murmured. He avoided looking at Magnus.

"Does anyone know?"

Alec shook his head. His fingers played with the hem of the sweatpants.

Then Magnus asked the hardest question. "Why do you do this, Alec?"

Alec squeezed his eyes shut as his fingers formed into fists around the material.

"I don't know."

"I think you do know."

Alec opened his eyes and finally looked at the warlock. Magnus never wanted to see those beautiful eyes look at him with such excruciating emotions. "You think I want to do this?" Angry tears ran down his face as he raised his voice. "You think I want to be this fucked up. You would think carving runes into my skin would be enough self-infliction for one person. You think I don't know how pathetic I am?" Alec was digging his nails into his calves as he yelled, bright red crescents becoming visible in his pale skin.

"You're hurting yourself, Alec."

Alec's hands flew away from his legs like he had burnt them, his face turning red.

"I just...it's better...I control this pain. I can deal with it."

Magnus doubted that the boy had any control over the behavior but he kept that to himself. "Deal with it as opposed to dealing with what, Alec?"

Magnus could see him shutting down again.

"Nothing," Alec muttered.

"Alec..."

Here was a boy who had major trust issues.

Who could barely handle other people touching him.

Who was scared of his sexuality.

Who didn't feel safe in his own home.

Who hurt himself.

'Nothing' was as far from the truth as possible.

"I'm tired Magnus." He sounded emotionally exhausted.

Magnus nodded slowly, knowing that he was reaching the boy's limit and that he would have to wait before getting more out of him.

"I know, Alec."

"Are you going to keep my razor?" Although it was a question, Magnus knew that Alec had already resigned himself to the only obvious answer.

"Yes, Alec. I'm keeping it."

He looked away sadly.

"I don't see the point, Magnus. You can't keep everything away from me. Please, can I have it back."

"Listen, I'm no therapist but I'm pretty sure you need to replace this with something else."

"Replace the razor?"

"No, Alec. Replace this self-destructive behavior. You said you control this pain. It's easier to deal with than whatever other pain you're feeling at the time. Things get overwhelming and this is your way of getting back that control."

Alec just stared at him like he was speaking a foreign language. Magnus knew that Nephilim did not have any form of therapy or counseling in their society, whereas Magnus had lived enough years amongst mundanes to know something about it.

"When you feel overwhelmed or unable to handle your emotions, you need to do something else besides hurting yourself."

"Like what?"

"You could call me. Even if it's just to chat about something else." Magnus knew he was in deep now and that there was no point in denying that he cared enough to make this level of commitment.

Alec looked at him startled. "Why do you care so much, Magnus? I mean, you barely know me and I'm Nephilim."

Magnus looked at the teenager carefully. He wondered about that himself.

"If this is about pity...I don't want it," Alec said, sounding almost aggressive.

Magnus knew that there was an attraction between them, even if Alec could not acknowledge it but that wasn't the only reason that he cared as much as he did.

"It's not pity, Alec. I know what it's like to feel so much pain that you don't know what to do with it...how to handle it. There are many ways to be self-destructive."

Alec looked at him sadly. "Because of your parents?"

Magnus shifted, starting to feel fatigue himself. "It was a long time ago. But I had people who helped me and I want to help you. You should call me. And if I can't pick up you need to talk to someone else. Is there someone else you can talk to? Even if you don't tell them about this."

Alec nodded. "I can talk to Jace and maybe Izzy, I guess."

"Good. I know this doesn't mean that everything is magically solved but it's a start."

Alec looked at him doubtfully but nodded nonetheless.

Magnus stood up and held out his hand. "Come on, I think we both could do with some sleep."

Alec looked at the hand and after what seemed like a long time, he took hold of the hand and allowed the warlock to pull him up from his seated position.

Magnus smiled at the Nephilim and squeezed his hand. He wanted so badly to pull him close and hold him but he refrained from initiating that much contact with the jumpy shadowhunter.

"Good night, Alec," he said, squeezing his hand one more time before leaving the bedroom, knowing that at least tonight, he was safe.

* * *

**A/N: **I know, a lot of talking and not much action. But a lot of necessary talking. It may seem somewhat calm right now but unfortunately, it's just not that easy. Next chapter will be from Alec's POV. And more with Jace and Izzy coming up. Please let me know what you think!


	12. An Unexpected Arrival

**A/N: **Thank you so very much for all the reviews, both signed and anonymous! They really keep me going. To my signed reviewers, I did not have time to respond to reviews from the previous chapter but I promise to get to them as soon as possible along with reviews from this chapter. Let me know what you think of the chapter once you finish reading!

**Disclaimer: **The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

**Warnings: **This chapter has some scenes alluding to sexual abuse; feelings of internalized homophobia; and thoughts of self-harm. Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

**Learning to Be**

**Chapter 11: An Unexpected Arrival**

_At first, all he could register were the sparkles. They twinkled above his hairline, dancing just beyond his line of sight. Then he felt soft fingers brushing against his jaw and cheeks. Alec felt himself leaning forward and capturing the lips in front of him with his own and draping his arms around the taller man's neck as he drew him in, his tongue probing for access._

_Magnus moaned contently, his hands moving to the shadowhunter's waist and dragging him forward as he stepped backward until the back of Magnus's knees hit the edge of a bed and he collapsed into it, pulling Alec down and on top of him._

_Finally giving Alec access, he allowed his tongue to dart forward, exploring the warlock's mouth, feverishly matching the more experienced man's movements. In an attempt to get more comfortable, Magnus shuffled deeper into the bed and Alec adjusted his body so that he was straddling the older man at the waist and leaning down, their chests flush against each other, so their lips did not need to part. _

_Magnus's hands rubbed up and down his back, pushing his shirt up and exploring the pale skin underneath. Alec's heart was pounding and he wondered if Magnus could hear it. He started to explore the beautiful man below him, his own hands finding their way under the man's tank top. He felt Magnus buck his hips up and he blushed, feeling his pants getting tight as Magnus's clothed arousal jutted against his thigh. He closed his eyes._

_Suddenly, Magnus grabbed at his waist and he felt himself being flipped over, so that his back was buried into the soft duvet and the man's weight was on top of him. _

_"You're so beautiful. Let me see those perfect blue eyes."_

_Alec's whole body froze as his eyes flung open in horror. The man above him did not sparkle. He had thin brown hair and hard lines on his face. Cruel eyes seemed to bore into his skin as the man smiled evilly. _

_Alec tried to scream but no sound came out of his mouth. He struggled underneath the man but he was too strong. He pushed Alec further into the mattress, smiling maliciously._

_"I see that you are __hard for me."_

_Tears ran down Alec's face as he shook his head. His heart raced violently and his breathing was coming out ragged. Hands pinched and grabbed at his flesh, moving downwards until one slipped underneath his pants. Alec's fingers clawed at the duvet, gripping at the material tightly as unwanted hands roughly grabbed at him._

_He squeezed his eyes shut, praying that it would all stop. Where had Magnus gone?_

_He felt a rush of cold air and he reluctantly opened his eyes. He was no longer in Magnus's spare bedroom. He was seated on the sidewalk, leaning against the front of the bakery, dazed and confused. A man loomed over him. Although he couldn't see him properly, he knew it wasn't Magnus. The man leaned forward and grabbed him by the chin, pulling him up until he was on his knees. Unconsciously, he grabbed at the man's calf to steady himself and he noticed the blood dripping from cuts on his arms. How did that happen? He thought Magnus healed him._

_He registered the sounds of the man unbuckling his jeans. In the distance, he saw the sparkles again. The tall warlock walked forward until he was fully visible. _

_He felt the man grab at his jaw and push his fingers into his cheeks, forcing his mouth open._

_Alec stared at the warlock, his eyes glistening. Help me, he silently implored._

_Magnus just leaned against a lamppost. "I don't want used goods," he said nonchalantly before turning around and walking away._

**xxx**

By the time Alec got up, his entire body was drenched in sweat, his borrowed tank top plastered to his chest. He sat up, instantly feeling the urge to vomit. His heart was still racing and his eyes were puffy and red. He banged his head against the wall violently and didn't even seem to feel the pain.

Flinging the sheets aside, he rushed to the bathroom and collapsed in front of the toilet before regurgitating the pizza he had eaten last night. He continued to heave into the porcelain bowl long after his stomach was empty, his midsection still spasming painfully.

Finally, he stood up, flushing the toilet and grabbing for the sink. He splashed water into his face and tried to gargle the taste out of his mouth. His whole body was shaking and his skin crawled with the phantom touches. He pulled open all the drawers and cupboards, his hands and eyes searching for something to help him take away the feeling. He cursed under his breath. Magnus had really hidden any sharp objects.

He went back to the bedroom and grabbed his bag. He had his stele but he knew he could never use it for anything but making runes. He looked at the clock. 5:00am. He could go talk to Magnus, like the warlock suggested but the thought made his stomach turn, thinking about the dream he had just had. He was so tired and confused. Why did his mind have to do this to him? He didn't want to kiss Magnus, he tried convincing himself. Even if he did, he knew he couldn't. Just the thought brought horrifying memories rushing forward. Even in his dreams, the idea of something consensual suddenly twisted into a nightmare that left Alec feeling nauseous.

He held back the tears as he grabbed his mouth roughly, remembering what his mind forced him to do in front of that bakery. How many times had he been forced to do that as a kid? Tears clung to his eyelashes. He needed to get out. He grabbed the clothes he had packed and quickly switched into his own t-shirt and sweats. He made the bed and neatly folded the borrowed clothes. He quickly scrawled a note saying that he was needed back at the institute before putting on his sneakers.

He quietly made his way through the loft, knowing that his could easily sneak by without waking up the warlock. As he got to the door he felt something brush against his leg and it took everything to keep silent. He looked down, to see Chairman Meow rubbing against him, purring softly. Alec sighed and bent down to stroke the cat before slipping out into the dark city. He adjusted the backpack on his shoulders and broke into a run. If he couldn't have his razor, at least he could run.

**xxx**

Maryse sat at the kitchen island, stirring her tea mindlessly. Since coming home, she had barely seen her children. She did have a chance to spend some time with her daughter but both boys actively avoided her.

She knew she shouldn't expect less. Alec could barely look at her and Jace was such an steadfast defender of his adoptive brother in a way that Maryse knew she was failing her son. She clenched a jaw, wishing she could drag the despicable man that currently resided at the Institute into a pit of raveners with no weapons and watch as the demons devoured him. But instead, she had followed Clave instructions and provided him with shelter at the Institute, forcing her son to live with the man that had stolen her son's voice and innocence.

She was a coward. There was no other way to describe her actions. She remembered standing in the doorway, seeing the naked man towering over her terrified and exposed child. She remembered the fear etched on his innocent face and the pain in his soft whimpers. To this day and even after going through the Uprising, what she had seen that night was the most painful thing she had ever experienced. And yet, she had stood by while her husband sent him away without reporting him to the Council and now, she actively allowed the man back into Alec's home.

She dropped her head into her hands, trying to chase away the memories but all she saw was Alec's expressive blue eyes staring at her, accusingly, telling her that she had not protected her child.

A hand landed on her shoulder and she jerked up.

"Mom, are you all right?" asked her daughter, who was standing just behind her.

"You startled me."

"Sorry."

"I'm fine," she said, sweeping some hair behind her ear and forcing a smile on her face.

"Are you sure?"

Maryse sighed, knowing that the concern she was showing her would not exist if Isabelle knew what Manson had done to her brother and that her mother had done nothing and contented to do nothing.

If she knew, she would treat her as badly, if not worse than Jace was currently treating her. Jace refused to acknowledge her unless forced to in order to keep up pretense in front of Isabelle. He ignored her if they were in the same room and replied in short, curt responses if Maryse addressed him before leaving the room. Maryse was sure that her daughter was starting to notice.

"Have you seen Alec?" Maryse asked, ignoring Isabelle's question.

Isabelle frowned and shook her head. Maryse could see the instant worry that swept over her face when she mentioned her oldest brother. "I think he's in his room."

Maryse nodded, stood up and pulled out Alec's favorite mug.

**xxx**

Alec sat on his chair in his room, rubbing at the iratze hidden underneath his pants, feeling so utterly ashamed, it was all consuming. It had taken just under an hour to run home from Brooklyn and the ache in his thighs and calves from the fast and long run was not enough, like he hoped it would be. He thought about talking to Jace but he wasn't going to admit the things that were going on with him to his parabatai, no matter how much he already knew. He didn't know his deepest secret. He didn't know that what Manson did to Alec for so many months was Alec's fault. If only he could have normal thoughts and feelings, Manson would have left him alone.

So instead of talking, he had found another razor and while the familiar action gave him relief in the moment, afterwards he only felt more ashamed and weak then ever before.

**xxx**

Magnus was feeling particularly crabby in the morning. Not only had he gotten very little sleep but when he went to go check on Alec, he was gone, leaving behind only a note on top of the neatly folded clothes he had borrowed. The note simply said that he needed to get back to the Institute and ended with a thank you for last night.

Magnus groaned, crumpling the paper and tossing it into the trash bin. The least the Nephilim could have done was say goodbye in person. More than his annoyance, he was worried. He wasn't able to give him a dreamless sleep last night, as he was being cautious of overusing magic on the fragile teenager's mind and he wondered what nightmares he had and if that somehow resulted in him ducking out so early.

He noticed that things had been moved around in the bathroom drawers and could only come to one conclusion. Alec had been looking for something. Probably looking for something sharp.

Chairman Meow brushed passed him and Magnus looked down at the cat. "Damn it, Chairman, why do I care so much about this damned shadowhunter?"

The cat purred in response.

"No I don't want to just get in he pants," he mumbled.

Yes, the shadowhunter was gorgeous. He was also kind and when he wasn't sad, his smile and laughter was contagious. But he was also so terribly sad and scared and Magnus knew the last thing he would be doing with the younger man was getting into his pants.

He knew that there was more to Alec's sadness, self-destructive behavior and low self-worth than an inability to accept his sexuality. The internal struggle with sexuality could without a doubt result in these behaviors and feelings in the harsh, homophobic society Alec was a part of but it didn't seem to explain the way he reacted to simple, innocent touches or the intensity of the screams from his nightmares or his distrust in others or how he feared that Magus would hurt him.

It also didn't explain why he suddenly couldn't stay at the Institute even though nobody forced him out and why he suddenly felt safer at a downworlder's loft instead of his own home, despite all his trepidations.

**xxx**

Jace entered the kitchen and frowned when he saw Maryse at the coffee machine. Before he could turn around and leave, Izzy bounced off a stool and greeted Jace.

"So, did you finally get a hold of lover girl?" Izzy asked, teasingly.

Jace groaned and rolled his eyes. "I was talking to her last night."

Izzy smiled. "She knows how to play the game, I'll give her that."

"She's not playing any game," Jace said indignantly.

Izzy smirked. "That's what you think."

Maryse turned to face the two teenagers. "Jace, would you like some coffee."

Jace tensed and tried hard not to glare at the woman. "No," he said curtly.

Izzy frowned. "What is wrong with you?" she hissed quietly into his ear.

Just as he was about to answer, he saw Alec enter the kitchen. Alec paused, frozen in the doorway, looking at his family gathered in the room. It was obvious to Jace that the older teen was hoping for an empty kitchen.

"Oh Alec," Maryse said, trying to sound cheerful. "I was making you some coffee."

Izzy, ignoring Alec's hesitation, grabbed the boy by his upper arm and pulled him into the kitchen.

"Sit down brother and eat breakfast with us and stop being a stranger," she demanded.

Maryse looked on nervously and Jace just wanted to yell at her. She had no right to be nervous.

Before Alec could say anything, the noise of the elevator opening traveled into the room and all the occupants looked towards to doorway that led to the elevator. Alec's whole body tensed. If Manson walked into the kitchen at that moment, Jace wasn't sure if he could control himself.

"Jace! Alec! Izzy! Mom!" came a high-pitched excited voice before little feet scurried into the kitchen followed closely by Robert Lightwood.

The youngest Lightwood flung himself at Jace, who was the closest to the doorway. "Are you surprised?" he exclaimed happily as he is eyes darted from sibling to sibling. Izzy went to hug her dad before coming over to Max and ruffling his hair happily.

Jace wrapped his arms around the nine-year-old but his eyes were fixed on Alec.

Alec's face was turning red as he stood up and his whole body shook with what seemed like anger. Jace had never seen Alec look so angry. He had seen sadness, fear, pain, despair but rarely had he seen anger.

"What are you doing back?" asked Maryse, alarmed.

"We were no longer needed at Alicante and had to return," Robert explained.

Alec gripped the edge of the counter, his eyes swinging between Robert and Max.

Max frowned. "Alec, are you mad at me." He untangled himself from Jace and approached Alec.

Alec tried to smile and knelt down to hug Max. "Of course not, Max."

"Alec, what's wrong," Izzy said, who was also watching Alec carefully now. Alec released Max and he ran over to his mother.

Alec stared at his father in disbelief. "How could you bring Max here?"

* * *

**A/N:** Oh my, all I can say is shit is going to get real. Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! Thanks!


	13. Telling Izzy

**A/N: **Thank you so much for the reviews! I'm letting you know now that I will not let anything happen to Max! This is not meant to be a story of horrors for horrors sake. This is a story of Alec's journey from barely living to learning to be himself and love himself and accept himself. And Alec would never let anything happen to his baby brother!

**Disclaimer: **The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

**Warnings: **Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

**Learning to Be**

**Chapter 12: Telling Izzy**

The Lightwoods seemed to be staring at each other, Alec's question hanging in the air. _"How could you bring Max here?"_

Isabelle didn't understand what was going on. She looked at her older brother, trying desperately to understand what she was missing. Everyone in the room besides Max and herself did not seem confused and it infuriated her.

"Izzy, honey, can you take Max to his room?" her mother said softly.

Izzy turned to her mom angrily. "I will not! I want to know what the hell is going on. And Max can go up to his room without an escort."

"No!" Alec snapped. "Max can't go up alone."

"Why are you trying to get rid of me," Max said, his little eyes bouncing between his siblings and parents. "And I'm not a baby!"

The Lightwoods stood at a standstill, no one wanting to be the one to take Max upstairs but no one wanting to talk with him there.

Izzy noticed Alec's hands shaking. She walked towards him and grabbed his hand. "Alec, what's wrong? Please talk to me?"

Alec tried to pull his hand away but when she just held on tighter he looked at her, his blue eyes swimming with unshed tears.

"You didn't answer my question," he said, turning his attention to their dad. "How could you?"

Robert sighed, looking at his oldest son with a frown. "We couldn't stay longer at Alicante then required."

"Bullshit!" Jace yelled. Izzy snapped her eyes to the blonde, only to see anger radiating from her adoptive brother. "If you gave one fuck about your kids, you wouldn't give a shit about the damn Clave rules!"

Maryse instantly covered Max's ears. It was obvious she wanted to stay but she grabbed Max's hand and started ushering him out of the room.

"You'll stay with him the whole time?" Alec asked.

"Of course," their mother said, the little boy protesting as they disappeared up the stairs leading to his bedroom.

"Jace," Robert started, his voice low and serious.

"It's one thing not to care about what happens to me but Max?" Alec sounded utterly defeated.

"Max is four years younger than you were, Alec," he hissed. "And you're five years older than you were then."

"So?" Alec yelled. "Do you know what's going on in that mind? For all we know, age doesn't matter to him!"

"Alec, listen," his voice was getting slightly desperate.

Izzy couldn't figure out who they were talking about.

"You have no right," Jace yelled. "This is all your fault. All you had to do was send that bag of shit to the Council and he wouldn't be here right now."

Izzy stared at Jace. "Are you guys talking about Mr. Manson?"

She felt Alec flinch and she realized that she was still holding Alec's hand. Her mind started putting some pieces together. What had her dad said? _"Max is four years younger than you were and you're five years older than you __were then." _So, they were talking about the time Alec was 13 years old. She would have been 11. That was when Manson was here the first time. He had stayed for about 9 months and left abruptly.

Her heart started pounding. That was also the same time that Alec had stopped speaking.

"Alec, what did he do to you?" she asked, desperately, fear gripping her heart.

"Listen, son," Robert repeated as he moved forward and reached out for Alec.

Alec jerked backwards. "Don't," he hissed. "Please, just leave me alone."

"I won't let anything happen to Max, I promise," he said before leaving the kitchen, defeated.

Alec's breathing was starting to get heavy and Izzy could hear his rapid heartbeat. She held him around the waist and led him to a chair. He grabbed for it desperately and collapsed into the chair as he tried to control his breathing.

Jace was soon by his side. "Hey, Alec, come on, just breathe slowly. Izzy, can you make him some tea?"

Izzy reluctantly left her brothers and rushed to the sink, grabbing a mug and tea bag from above the sink. By the time she brought the tea to Alec, his breathing was more regular and he attempted to give Izzy a soft smile as he took the tea. He sipped it slowly before looking up at his sister. "Thank you, Izzy."

Izzy grabbed a chair and dragged it in front of Alec. Jace was already seated beside him.

"Please Alec. Tell me what's going on."

Alec sighed, the tea swirling slightly within his shaking hands.

"Talk to her," Jace said.

"I...I don't know if I can."

"Yes you can."

"You tell her."

Izzy wanted to scream but remained patient.

"No, I think you need to talk about it and with me, you've never had to actually talk about it because I already knew."

So, Jace knew why Alec had stopped talking five years ago.

Izzy carefully took Alec's hands into her own and squeezed them gently. "Hey, Alec, you know you can tell me anything. I love you so much and it hurts to see you so sad and not know what to do." She felt tears gathering in the corners of her eyes but didn't pull her hands away to brush them aside.

Alec looked at her and Izzy felt nauseated to see such sorrow in his beautiful blue eyes.

"Okay," he said, softly. He bit his bottom lip.

Jace stood up. "I'm going to go see what Max is doing, okay. I'll be in his room."

"You don't have to leave," Alec said, almost desperately.

It was almost as if Jace didn't want Alec to depend of him to tell his story. Jace squeezed his shoulder. "You can do this, Alec. It's Izzy we're talking about."

Once Jace had left, Izzy squeezed Alec's hand again. "You trust me right."

Alec nodded.

"I love you so much," she repeated.

"I know, Izzy."

"Just start at the beginning."

"O-okay. Umm, so, you know when...when Manson came to stay with us."

Izzy nodded. "I was 11. You were 13."

"He...one night...he came into my room."

Tears had spilled over his cheeks and Izzy's heart was now racing.

"He came into my room and he..." Alec closed his eyes, forcing more tears to run down his face. "He put his hands under...he started t...touching me." Alec gasped and now he was squeezing Izzy's hand as if it was the only thing keeping him together.

Izzy could hear hear her own heartbeat blaring in her ears. She wanted to scream. This was not happening! This couldn't have happened. Tears escaped from her eyes as she found herself shaking her head.

"At first, he would sit on the side of my bed and put his hands...down my pajama pants but...then he started doing more."

He bit his bottom lip and opened his eyes. "Izzy?" He sounded scared.

Izzy felt like she couldn't talk but she had to know. "What do...what do you mean by more?"

"He...he touched me...sometimes with his hands, sometimes with his mouth and he forced me to..to do the same."

Izzy was crying now, soft sobs escaping passed her lips. She could feel the anger growing in the pit of her stomach. How could anyone do this to her sweet, innocent brother.

"But...he also...he...he...had sexual intercourse with me." He blurted the last five words out in a rush, as if the clinical words would mask the horror of what he was saying. He gasped, trying to get air into his lungs. His eyes were glazed over, like he couldn't really see her. "Every night," he said. "It hurt, Izzy. It hurt so much. I wanted to die."

Izzy's whole body was shaking now, the rage ready to explode. No one was allowed to hurt her brother and she wanted nothing more than to find Manson and...violent thoughts raced through her mind and she pushed them aside because right now, she had to be here with her brother.

"Izzy?"

"Alec," she said. She pulled her hands away from his and placed them gently at the sides of his face, brushing away tears.

"Do you hate me?"

Her heart skipped a beat. "I could never hate you, Alec. Why would you ever think that?"

He moved his head to the side, closing his eyes again. "It's my fault," he whispered.

Izzy gently moved his face back. "Look at me Alec." Her voice was shaky but she had to remain composed for her brother's sake and not show her anger.

Reluctantly, he opened his eyes.

"Why would you say that?" She had to know what he was thinking.

"I can't..."

"Yes you can. Alec, you can tell me anything."

"I was being punished." His voice was so soft, she could barely hear it. "M-maybe I deserved it."

She tried to keep the confusion from gracing her face. What could a 13-year-old boy think he was being punished for? How could he think that he deserved being raped? She sobbed involuntarily as she thought the word. Her brother had been raped. Her brother had been raped repeatedly as a child. This couldn't be happening.

"No," she said firmly. "Why would you even think that?"

"I can't tell you."

"Yes, yes you can."

He sobbed. "Because...he knew things."

"Who knew things? Manson?"

Alec nodded. "I...my thoughts..."

Suddenly, Isabelle knew exactly what he was thinking. Although Alec had never told her, she knew that he was struggling with his sexuality. She had seen the way he sometimes looked at Jace and how he was immediately consumed by self-hatred. She felt a pang of heartache, wondering how this trauma must have complicated his already confused thoughts and amplified his self-hatred.

"Alec, listen to me. I know that you may not be sexually attracted to girls."

Alec shook his head violently, dislodging her hands from his face. "No, no, no..."

She grabbed his hands. "Hey, Alec, it's okay if you're gay."

"No!" he hissed, pulling away from her and standing up abruptly. He wrapped his arms around himself protectively.

"Okay, okay," she said softly, standing up herself but being careful not to crowd his space. "It doesn't matter. I love you either way. And no matter what, he had no right, do you understand?" she said firmly.

He was still shaking his head, more slowly now, like all the energy was being drained from him. Izzy approached him and gently drew him into a hug. She could feel his heart beating against her.

"What he did to you is not because of your sexuality and your sexuality is not a result of what he did to you. You may not believe me now but I won't stop telling you that until you do."

She slowly drew away from the embrace so she could look at him.

"You were an innocent child. This is his fault, not yours. No matter what you think or anyone says, you did not deserve this. This was not your fault."

Alec just stared at a spot above her shoulder, that glazed look in his eyes again.

"I know that this was hard for you to tell me." She was rubbing the back of his hand with her thumb. Her head pounded...like she was in so much shock and couldn't fully process everything she had learned. It was like thousands of memories of Alec were flooding back to her within a totally new context. Suddenly, things made sense and it was the kind of sense that was so horrifying it was hard to comprehend. Sadness and anger and hate swirled in her heart and she pushed them aside, trying to show only her love.

When she was alone, she knew that she was going to fall apart or explode. Questions swirled around in her mind. She wondered how Jace knew if Alec hadn't told him. She wondered how her parents could let that man back in their home if they knew what that man had done to their son and she wondered if she would be able to control her anger around Manson. She felt her unoccupied hand curl into a fist by her side. She didn't know if she wanted to control her anger.

* * *

**A/N: **And Izzy knows! And with Max here, Alec is not going to stay quiet! He will do anything to protect Max!

Things will start to move quickly now. I think that an important part to Alec's journey and recovery is Izzy knowing because unlike Jace, she knows things that Jace doesn't and that Alec cannot talk to him about right now. Izzy is going to be relentless about making him let go of the self-hatred and building up his self-worth and strength that will allow him to confront his parents and Manson and be more open with Magnus.

Coming up, Max and Alec time. Izzy is on a warpath but talks to Jace first. And what is Magnus doing? Please let me know what you think!


	14. Siblings

**A/N:** Thank you so much for the reviews. Here is some processing for the siblings before things move forward.

**Disclaimer: **The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

**Warnings: **Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

**Learning to Be**

**Chapter 13: Siblings**

Alec followed his sister up the stairs. She was holding his hand as if she would lose him if she let go. Alec felt like he was in shock. For so long he held his secrets close to his heart, never revealing them to anyone. Sure, people knew his secrets. His mom, dad, Jace and if he remembered, Max, knew about Mr. Manson and Magnus knew about the razor but only because they stumbled across them. Alec never gave away his secrets willingly until now.

The thought always terrified him but talking to Izzy was like unloading a burden he didn't know he was carrying. For so long, Izzy was the one person who didn't know that he was disgusting and damaged. She was the one person who hadn't seen him in such a horrifically compromising position. And for so long he had cherished that. But it was obvious that despite not knowing, she had worried and sometimes handled him like he was made of glass without even realizing it. Izzy not knowing had just distanced them because unlike Jace, Izzy didn't have any context for his behavior.

Now Izzy knew more than Jace. His heart was pounding so loudly, it echoed in his ears. She had said that she didn't care if he was gay. He closed his eyes. He wasn't gay...he didn't want to be gay. He wanted to blend into the background, to go unnoticed and in the Shadow World, being attracted to men was not blending in. And despite what Izzy insisted he couldn't help but think that if he had blended in, Manson wouldn't have noticed him.

Izzy squeezed his hand as they reached the door. Without knocking, Izzy opened the door and Alec pulled his hand away, suddenly feeling silly. Max was sitting on his bed, legs crossed, a book open on his lap. Jace was sprawled in a chair nearby, seemingly deep in thought, his gaze directed towards the younger boy but his attention far away.

As the two Lightwoods entered the room, Jace and Max looked up. Alec immediately tried smiling at his youngest brother but he couldn't quite get his lips to curl properly and he ended up giving him an apologetic half smile. "Hi buddy," Alec said, stepping into the room.

Max crossed his arms over his chest and looked at his brother suspiciously. From the corner of his eye he could see his sister motioning to Jace.

"Hey, Alec, we'll be right back," Jace said, getting up.

Alec knew that they were going to step outside and talk about him but he didn't have the energy to care at the moment. He nodded absently and made his way to Max's bed. He kicked off his shoes and scooted into the bed. Max shuffled to the side so that both boys were seated on the bed, their backs leaning against the headboard and their legs stretched out in front of them.

**xxxxx**

Izzy shut the door to the adjacent room and quickly drew a silencing rune against the doorframe before spinning around to glare at Jace.

"All this time you knew!" she yelled, moving forward and shoving him angrily.

"Izzy, listen..."

"Listen? You want me to listen now? Fuck, Jace!" Her eyes were red and puffy but the tears were relentless. She wiped them aside angrily. "For years, I've watched my brother fade away and you never said anything!"

"And knowing would make a difference?" Jace said, angrily. "I've known all this time and you think seeing him like this is easier because I knew?"

"YES! It would have made a difference! I wouldn't let him spiral out of control...deeper and deeper into this depression."

Jace's face went red. "What do you think I've been doing? Just sitting back and enjoying the fucking ride? You think I haven't tried?"

Izzy tried to calm down. She knew that Jace didn't know that Alec blamed himself or if he did, why he blamed himself. By the angel, he thought he deserved it.

"How? How did you know?"

Jace sighed, running his hand through his shaggy locks. "Max, he had a nightmare."

"Max?" What did Max have to do with this?

"Four years ago, Max was almost five. He had a nightmare and he went to Alec's room."

Izzy stared at him horrified.

"He saw...he saw Manson hurting Alec..."

"What?" Izzy said in disbelief. This was only getting worse.

"He got Maryse and Robert. I heard the commotion of them rushing to Alec's room and followed them. I...I was so angry, Izzy. I just charged forward and shoved him off of Alec. Alec was catatonic. There was blood and...and other stuff everywhere...on him...on the bed sheets."

Izzy felt sick. "What did mom and dad do?"

Jace looked at Izzy angrily. "Maryse stayed with Alec. Robert made us leave the room and we watched as he dragged Manson out of the room and down the stairs."

"But they didn't report him." It was more of a statement than a question.

Jace shook his head anyway.

Izzy slammed her fist against the wall. "I'm going to fucking rip his balls off with my bare hands and shove them down his throat."

**xxxxxx**

Max glared at the door angrily, his arms still crossed over his chest. He had been so excited to come home. He had missed his mom and his siblings and he had so much to talk about. But the moment he arrived, it just seemed like everyone wanted him gone, especially Alec.

"Why don't you want me here?" he finally asked. "Don't you like me?" His voice sounded more vulnerable than he wanted it to. He hated sounding young. He hated being the youngest in the family.

"I love you, Max. So much."

"Then why were you upset that I was here?" he asked stubbornly. Max frowned and looked at his brother. Only then did he notice how red and puffy his eyes were.

Alec sighed. He didn't speak for a while and Max wondered why he was so sad. Well, his brother was always sad...it was like a constant state for him a lot of the time but he was extra sad at the moment.

"Alec?"

"It's not safe here right now, that's why," he finally said.

"That doesn't make any sense. Why wouldn't it be safe? And if it's not, how come you and Izzy and Jace and mom are here?"

Alec smiled ruefully. "You've always been so logical."

"But why Alec? Home is safe."

Alec laughed harshly and Max looked at him alarmed.

"Home isn't always safe, Max."

"Okay," Max said, still confused. "Why isn't it safe?"

Alec bit his bottom lip. "There's a man staying with us right now and...and he isn't a good man, Max. And I don't want him to hurt you. I won't let him hurt you."

"Why would a bad man be staying with us?"

"Because he's a shadowhunter and it's our duty to provide shelter to traveling shadowhunters."

"Even bad shadowhunters?" Max asked.

Alec closed his eyes. "Not everyone knows he's bad."

Max was just feeling more confused.

"Who is he? What's his name?"

Alec tilted his head back and looked at the ceiling. "It doesn't really matter who he is, Max."

Max narrowed his eyes. "Do I know him?"

Alec was clawing at his knees with his fingers. He drew them in, wrapping his arms around his legs and rested his chin on the top of his knees, deep in thought. Max frowned again, watching his older brother carefully, his mind feeling a sense of deja vu. An image flashed in his mind of a younger Alec in a similar position, with a terrified, glossy look in his eyes.

He turned to look at Max. "You may have been too young to remember him."

Max shook his head. A bad man living at the Institute...it felt so familiar. "Sometimes I have nightmares about a bad man," he said, thinking hard. Usually he didn't put a lot of effort into remembering his dreams.

"You do?" Alec asked, sounding startled.

Max's lower lip started quivering. "He's hurting you."

"In your nightmares?"

Max nodded.

"You never told me."

"I...sometimes I go to Jace's room if it's really scary."

Alec frowned and leaned his head back, regret written all over his face. "I'm so sorry Max."

Max didn't understand why Alec was sorry. It wasn't his fault. "What's his name?"

"Benedict Manson." The way Alec said the name, it was like something painful on his tongue.

Max could instantly put a face to the name. He was a bad man. The kind of bad man that hurt his brother. Max remembered that night. Sometimes it showed up in his nightmares and sometimes he got flashes...maybe a sound or a smell or an imagine and it was all so horrible. But he never once talked to Alec about it.

Suddenly, he flung himself at his brother, leaning into him and burying his face in his chest and wrapping his arms around his midsection. Alec made a startled sound but after recovering, he wrapped his arms around the boy and drew him closer.

"I was so scared."

"I know, Max," Alec said, pressing a kiss into his hair. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

"I don't like it when you're sad."

Alec didn't say anything so Max pulled his head back and looked up at his brother.

"I want to get better, Max."

"Can I help?"

Alec smiled. Not a beaming smile but a small, genuine one. "You saved me, Max." His voice was so serious. "You may not realize it, but you saved me."

**xxxxxx**

Even as Isabelle yelled, Jace felt a sense of relief knowing that he wasn't alone anymore. For so long he felt like he watched Alec spiral deeper and deeper into a state of despair and nobody else paid attention or knew why. The adults in the Institute were always too preoccupied to truly pay attention to what was happening to their children, Max was too young and Izzy was in the dark.

So many times, he wanted to just spill everything to Izzy but he wouldn't betray Alec's trust. Alec, from a young age, had no say in what was happening to him and Jace never wanted to take away Alec's control, including his control over his secrets.

"Just yesterday, I gave him directions on how to get to the subway. I feel sick." Izzy seemed to be oscillating between thoughts of violence, sadness and nausea.

"I beat the crap out of him early yesterday morning. I...I couldn't stay away," Jace said. "But it didn't feel like enough."

Izzy ran her hand through her hair and sighed, brushing away more tears. "For so long, I've felt so helpless, first with the silence and then the way he distanced himself from everyone. Fuck! I'm going to find that bastard right now."

Jace grabbed her arm. "And do what?"

Izzy looked at Jace with disbelief. "Do what?" she said angrily. "I have lots of ideas. Maybe too disturbing for your delicate male ears."

Jace sighed. While he had years to process what had started five years ago, Izzy only had minutes. And even with those years, he was still unable to control himself with the sick pervert back at the Institute. He knew that he had to keep Izzy away from Manson...give her some time to process before she did something that would get her locked up while Alec was left feeling guilty for his sister's actions.

Jace was surprised at his own self-control, considering the many vicious fantasies he had about destroying Manson. "I get it, Izzy. You know I do but right now, Alec needs us. He's with Max, probably terrified for our little brother and I don't want to leave him alone with that responsibility."

Izzy tried to relax her tense body but failed. She curled and uncurled her fingers but nodded reluctantly. "Let's go see what they're doing."

* * *

**A/N: **Let me know what you think!


	15. Sleepover

**A/N: **To my lovely reviewers, thank you so much! There seems to be a general dip in reviews but I'm going to continue to plow ahead as I feel like there is a lot to cover. But if you do get a chance to read this, please drop a review :). They are much appreciated!

**Disclaimer: **The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

**Warnings: **Violence and disturbing themes in this chapter. Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

**Learning to Be**

**Chapter 14: Sleepover**

Alec sat on his bed, his cell phone in one hand and his other hand tapping mindlessly on his knee. Jace and Izzy had returned to Max's room and Alec stepped out to change his clothes and get ready for bed. He was going to sleep in Max's room. He didn't think he was actually going to get any sleep. This would be the first time that he would be forced to sleep in the Institute since Manson arrived but he wasn't leaving the Institute as long as Max was here.

He picked up the phone and quickly dialed the last number listed.

"Well, dear shadowhunter, fancy hearing from you."

"Hi Magnus," Alec said, cringing slightly. He had just abruptly left that morning.

"So, you're an expert at sneaking out. Sneaking out of the Institute and sneaking out of my place without so much as a goodbye." There was a lightness to his voice but Alec could hear a hint of annoyance.

"I'm sorry Magnus. I had a bad dream and I needed to get out...go running...it's what I do."

"Run or hurt yourself?"

The bluntness was not unexpected but Alec didn't know what to say.

"I told you to come to me. You could have woken me up."

Alec shivered, just remembering the dream and the role Magnus had played in it.

"I'm trying Magnus but it's not going to happen over night."

Alec heard the warlock sigh. "I know that Alec but you need to start somewhere. Did you do anything you shouldn't have?"

Alec bit his bottom lip and knew that his silence was giving Magnus his answer. He didn't think he could lie convincingly after Magnus had found him bleeding on the street.

"Oh Alec..." The voice was soft and barely audible through the cellphone. "What did you do?"

"Why are you asking me that? You know."

"I want to hear you say it. I want you to hear it. You need to hear what you are doing to yourself."

"I don't want to," Alec said stubbornly.

"Then tell me about this dream."

Alec blanched. He gripped the sheets below him. "I cut myself." Saying the words made him nauseous. It made him feel weak and pathetic. But it was better than talking about the dream.

"Where?"

"On my thighs."

"How did it make you feel?"

"Magnus, please."

"I'm sorry Alec. I just want you to think about these things. Think about what you can do differently."

Alec knew he had good intentions but he wasn't ready to talk about it. "I called because I wanted to tell you I can't come over tonight."

"Has something changed?"

"What?"

"Did the person that you've been avoiding leave?"

Alec blinked, surprised. "I...I never mentioned anyone."

"You didn't have to. You're avoiding someone. Someone who has recently arrived at the Institute. A visiting shadowhunter, I'm guessing."

Alec's heart was pounding loudly.

"And you don't feel safe at the Institute with this shadowhunter there...especially at night."

Alec couldn't speak. Everything was unraveling quickly. First Magnus found out about his _habit_, then Izzy found out about Manson and now Magnus was trying to figure things out.

"Alec?"

"Yeah."

"Has this person left?"

"My dad and little brother have come back from Alicante."

"You didn't answer my question."

"I won't be able to get out tonight."

"Alec..."

"Goodnight Magnus."

**xxxxxx**

Blankets were spread out on the floor of Max's bedroom. The door was securely locked with a rune that would counteract an unlocking rune. Jace lay on his side on the edge of the blankets. Beside him, Max slept curled up, his back to Jace and his head laying against Alec's shoulder. Isabelle lay on the other side of Alec. Her eyes were closed but she wasn't sleeping and she guessed that neither was Alec. She could see the glow of a light from behind her eyelids and the faint sound of someone clicking away at keys on a cellphone cutting through Jace's soft snores.

She cracked her eyes open to see Alec holding his cellphone low against the ground in an attempt to shield the light as he punched away at the keys.

"Who are you texting?" she asked softly.

Alec looked up, startled. He quickly snapped the phone shut, plunging the room into darkness. "I was just playing a game. Couldn't sleep."

Izzy looked at Alec skeptically even though he couldn't see her expression. It definitely looked like he was texting someone.

"I thought you were sleeping," Alec said.

"Couldn't sleep either," she replied.

She moved closer and lay her head on his shoulder, similar to how Max was sleeping. Alec's body shifted slightly but he relaxed quickly. "How are you feeling, Izzy?"

Izzy blinked, surprised at the question. "How do I feel?"

"I mean, I've had a lot of years to process all this...you've had an hour."

Izzy sighed. She pulled away and sat up, leaning her back against the wall. Alec carefully lay Max's head on a pillow and shifted so he was sitting beside her.

She grabbed his hand and pulled it into her lap, her thumb absently rubbing the back of his hand. "I'm feeling a lot of things, Alec, if I'm being honest."

"You can be honest. You don't have to treat me like glass."

She turned and looked at Alec. Their eyes had adjusted to the darkness and they could see faint outlines of each other. "I'm angry. I'm upset. I'm sad."

Alec nodded. "I'm sorry."

Izzy squeezed his hand. "You have to stop being sorry about things that are not your fault."

He tried to pull his hand away but Izzy held onto it tightly. "Let me tell you a hypothetical story. You cannot interrupt until I'm done."

"All right."

"When I was 14 I had a crush on that Clearwater kid that stayed with us for a few days but he thought I was a silly little girl. He was almost of age and had a girlfriend in Alicante. He told me so."

Alec was about to say something but Izzy hushed him. "Now imagine that his father was more interested in me than his kid."

Izzy felt his whole body tense and she squeezed his hand. "None of this happened. But if it did...if his father had come into my room and forced me to do things...if he talked about the way I looked at his son and that he knew I wanted it...would you think that it was my fault?"

"No, by the angel, _no_. Izzy, I would want to kill him."

"And I want to kill Manson. Because he hurt my brother. Because he made you think that somehow this is your fault...that you deserved this."

Alec shook his head.

"Alec, he took so much from you. For so many years I watched you fade away. He took your voice...your childhood...your happiness...that spark in your eyes...I know the list goes on but Alec, he doesn't have to keep them."

"Easier said than done, Izzy."

"I know, Alec. I know. But you're so brave...you've always been so brave."

Alec laughed harshly, slapping his hand to his mouth so that he didn't wake up his brothers. "Brave is as far from reality as possible."

"You've had to deal with so much and you're still here, always protecting us. Always making sure we're all right. Even now, protecting Max. And I know it was hard to tell me what happened but you did. You're a fighter. You may not see it now but I know that that's who you are."

Before he could reply, Izzy shifter herself and leaned her head onto his shoulder, keeping his hand within her grip. He wrapped his arm around her and held her close. "You have so much faith in me, Izzy." He leaned his head against her head and sighed. "I want to live up to that but it's hard."

She squeezed his hand. "I'm here for you."

**xxxxxx**

Benedict Manson sat on the edge of his bed, his hands gripping the sides of his thighs. On his lap he had a wooden box with a latch. He ran a hand along the edge. He was so tempted to open it and savor the contents within. Being back at the Institute brought back the memories more vividly than ever before and they were becoming harder and harder to ignore. And last night, seeing Alexander, it was exhilarating. Watching him become putty in his hands after all these years caused his heart to race with the surge of power he had over the boy. It was almost as exciting as having him the way he used to when he was younger.

He was about to open the box when a loud banging interrupted his thoughts. His head snapped to the door and he quickly shoved the box under the bed.

"Manson, open this door," came a demanding voice that he quickly recognized as belonging to Robert Lightwood.

He sighed, knowing he wouldn't be able to keep the man out, much like he wasn't able to keep that annoying Wayland boy from barging into his room. At least this time it was not unannounced.

He got up and opened the door, stepping aside as the Lightwood came into the room, his face red and angry.

"Why the fuck are you here?" Robert hissed, pushing him against the wall just as Wayland had.

Manson stood there cooly, staring at the man with an unconcerned expression. "I didn't know you were back from Idris. Did you have a good trip?"

Robert pushed his forearm into his neck. "Why are you here?"

"I'm here on Clave business. That's all I can tell you."

"Bullshit! You're here to fuck with my kids."

Manson laughed at Robert's poor choice of words. "I already fucked the one I wanted to. Those damned blue eyes were always irresistible...even when they'd lost their innocence."

Robert growled angrily, pushing his arm further into his neck. His eyes were wild and enraged.

Manson gasped for air but used his own strength to push against the weight, alleviating the pressure on his airway just enough. "Do you think killing me is a wise choice? How do you plan to explain it to the Clave?"

Robert released him and pushed him down to the ground roughly.

Manson just laughed. The man was so pathetically bound by Clave law and yet he had been too cowardly to report him after he found out what he was doing to his son. He wondered if Robert would have reported it if he had targeted the girl instead.

Robert glared down at the man and sent a vicious kick into Manson's ribs. Manson groaned and tried to get up but Robert just kept kicking, his foot landing in the same spot over and over again. Finally, Manson was able to grab the leg and Robert tripped, falling back. Robert didn't seem fazed. He just lunged forward and grabbed him around the neck. Manson tried to struggle free but Robert was stronger.

"I might not kill you," Robert hissed. "But I would watch my back if I were you." He tightened his grip and Manson's vision was becoming blurry. "You just don't know what could happen the longer you stay here. So, I'd advice you to get the fuck out of here and to stay away from my children."

Robert finally let him go, throwing his head back so that it banged against the wall loudly. Manson gasped for air desperately, pain racing through his body. From the corner of his eye he saw Robert reach out for the bedside table and take his stele.

"You won't be needing this tonight." He twirled the tip of the stele against his fingertip, holding his only chance at an iratze. "And I'd advice you to stay in this bedroom for the night. I'll help you out." He lifted the stele up into the air. "A locking rune with no stele to undo it sounds appropriate."

Once Robert had left, Manson groaned loudly as he dragged himself to the bed. Lifting his shirt, he could see the angry bruises forming, hiding away the broken ribs he was sure he had. He slowly lowered himself into the bed, cringing in pain. The pain was unbearable and breathing was nearly impossible.

* * *

**A/N: **Some Malec, Izzy/Alec and I know, some violent and disturbing stuff! But Manson is a disturbing character and everything, including the box will be his undoing eventually. Alec will only get stronger and then Manson will no longer feel invincible. Please, please, please, with a virtual cherry on top, drop a review if you can!


	16. Central Park

**Thank you so very much for all the reviews! They are so appreciated!**

**A/N: **So, this chapter brings back the Malec. **PLEASE READ:**Just a few logistical things. Like I mentioned before, this story doesn't take into consideration much from the plot of the books beside how Magnus and Alec met and how he healed Alec. So Clary and Jace don't think they are siblings and Jocelyn is fine and not in a coma, etc.

**Disclaimer: **The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

**Warnings: **Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

**Learning to Be**

**Chapter 15: Central Park**

The sun beamed down on the East Meadow. The meadow, tucked away on the northeast side of Central Park was alive with families and groups of friends, picnicking, reading and playing games.

Jace had insisted that the Lightwoods spend the afternoon at the park like they used to when they were younger and he had invited Clary and Simon to join them as well. Alec was originally reluctant but anything that would get Max out of the Institute was better than the anxiety of the constant alertness he kept up within the walls of the Institute. He hadn't slept at all that night and neither had Izzy. He had leaned against Izzy for the majority of the night, his eyes trained on the door as his brothers slept.

Izzy had held his hand the whole night, occasionally whispering into his ear about how much she loved him, how it wasn't his fault, how it was okay if he was gay, how he was strong. It was hard to listen to or believe. He had spent months believing the things Manson had told him, over and over again as he did whatever he wanted to him. But sitting with Izzy yesterday, just letting the words wash over him, it made him feel different this morning, almost like he could try to believe something else.

Max was sitting under a tree with Clary and Simon. They were looking at a book he had picked up at the airport and it looked like Clary was showing him how to read what she had called manga.

"Alec, pay attention!" Jace yelled as a frisbee came whizzing passed him. Jace threw his hands up in frustration and Izzy laughed. Alec gave him a sheepish smile and jogged over to the fallen frisbee before letting it soar in the air towards Izzy. The three siblings were tossing the frisbee around and it felt good to be outside spending time doing something mindless and entertaining for once. Chasing after a plastic disk definitely fell into that category.

Just as he caught the frisbee being returned to him, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He tossed it to Jace before calling out. "You two continue." He jogged to the side of the meadow and pulled out his phone.

_Magnus, the Magnificent Calling._

Last night, before he started talking to Izzy, he had been texting with Magnus. Magnus had texted him soon after their tense call with a lighthearted joke and they had bounced back harmless texts to each other until Izzy noticed Alec texting. It was nice.

He flipped open the phone and held it to his ear. "Hi Magnus."

"How are you this afternoon, my dear Nephilim?" came his silky voice. Alec couldn't help the fluttering in his stomach but he tried to ignore it. Izzy's voice floated into his mind. "_It's okay if you're gay."_

"I'm all right."

"Did you sleep last night?"

Alec sighed. "Not much, talked to my sister instead."

"Well, I just finished with a client in your neighborhood and was wondering what you were doing."

"I'm at the park with my siblings and Clary and Simon."

"And I wasn't invited?" Magnus joked lightly.

Alec blushed. Could he invite him over with everyone around? Would they think they were more than friends? Alec bit his bottom lip. They were just friends. And nobody but Izzy thought that he liked boys. Alec shook his head. He wasn't going to think about it.

"Want to join? We're at the East Meadow off 5th avenue and 97th street." Alec hoped that he sounded nonchalant.

"I think I will take you up on the offer, if only to see you."

Alec's blush depended and his heart raced. "Okay, see you soon." He couldn't keep the nerves out of his voice.

Once he hang up he looked over at his family and their friends. Max was now seated between Izzy and Simon and Jace and Clary were lying on their stomachs on the grass a few feet away, their feet in the air, knocking against each other playfully while Jace traced his finger against a rune on Clary's arm.

Alec thought he would feel a pang of jealously but thinking about it only drew him into memories that made him remember that if he hadn't have ever longed for Jace, Manson may have left him alone. How many times did he mention the blonde while he hurt Alec?

_"Shh, stop crying. I know you like it, Alec. I see the way you look at Jace."_

Alec snapped his attention away from his adoptive brother and looked out into the street. He wrapped his fingers around the wire of the fence and tried to force his mind away from unwanted memories. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he jerked away instantly.

It was Izzy.

"Sorry."

Alec shook his head and returned his attention to the runners jogging passed them.

"Who were you on the phone with?"

Alec untangled his fingers from the fence and turned around. He hadn't really thought through what he would say about Magnus.

"I was talking to Magnus," he said honestly.

Izzy's face instantly brightened. Alec shifted uncomfortably.

"How did this happen?"

"I went to see him the other day to thank him like you suggested."

"And?"

"We've been talking ever since."

Izzy practically squealed and Alec's eyes widened, darting towards the rest of their company.

"Izzy, calm down. We're just friends."

Izzy nodded absently. "Yeah, of course."

"Izzy...please, we're just friends." He thought about his feelings for Jace. They were so tied to the horrors of his childhood._  
_

_"You would like it if Jace was doing this to you, wouldn't you, you pathetic little brat."_

His face blanched. He thought about his confused feelings about Magnus. The way his heart raced and the fluttering feeling in his stomach when he was around him. Would he be punished for these feelings too?

"_It's okay if you're gay." _

Was it okay? Did he believe Manson or Izzy? But what could his younger sister possibly know about it all? The Clave was very clear on their thoughts about it and his parents would side with the Clave. Besides, Manson had stripped him of any possibility of feeling comfortable or safe or worthy of somebody else's affection. He shuddered just thinking about it. Magnus would be disgusted if he knew the things that he had let happen to him.

"Alec, are you listening to me at all?"

"Huh, what?" Alec said, snapping his attention to his sister.

"I was saying that I see Magnus coming here now," she said, pointing down the path lining the Meadow.

Alec looked in her direction and bit his bottom lip. Magnus was wearing deep purple skinny jeans and black high tops. He had on a black belt with a grey tank top tucked in and a black leather jacket. His hair was spiked and glittering subtly in the sunlight. He was gorgeous and Alec realized that he had missed seeing him after a night of not being at the warlock's loft.

"Hi Magnus," Izzy said happily as the man reached the two Lightwoods. "It's so nice to see you again!" She gave the warlock a big hug and grinned widely as she pulled away.

Magnus chuckled lightly. "Nice to see you too Isabelle."

"Thank you so much for saving my brother. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't showed up."

"This world would be too drab of a place without this gorgeous Nephilim."

Alec blushed and tried to protest but Izzy was already talking again.

"I'm going to go talk to Simon and Max. I'll see you in a bit," she said before jogging away without another word.

"So, you had a client in the area," Alec said, awkwardly.

"Yes, an infuriating ifrit that is always in need of something. But I can't complain, not with my price range. How are you enjoying the park this fine fall afternoon?"

Alec looked back at his siblings and friends. "It's nice."

Magnus's eyes roamed over Alec and Alec shifted uncomfortably. "What are you doing."

"Making sure you're okay. You look tired."

"I'm fine. You don't have to worry."

"Oh, my dear nephilim, I don't know what you have done to me, but I worry nonetheless."

Alec blushed.

"As a friend, of course," Magnus added, his eyes twinkling mischievously. "Now, are you going to introduce me to your youngest brother?"

The two boys walked over to the rest of the crew. Jace and Clary had joined Izzy, Simon and Max under the tree and Jace was talking softly to Izzy. Once they approached Jace looked up and narrowed his eyes at Magnus.

"Bane," he said with an even tone.

"Magnus, it's nice to see you," Clary said brightly.

Simon looked at him suspiciously. "I'm not going to turn into a spider or something, am I?"

Magnus laughed and Alec felt the same butterflies in his stomach. His laugh was perfect. "Only if you drink things you're not supposed to."

"You're hair is sparkling," Max said, looking up at the stranger.

Magnus smiled. "I like things that sparkle."

"This is Max, my youngest brother. Max, this is my friend, Magnus."

Alec and Magnus sat down on the blanket they had spread out.

"Nice to meet you little man," Magnus said, putting his hand out. His nails were painted black except for his index fingers, which were painted in a bright purple. Max shook the his hand.

"Are you a warlock?" he asked, looking at him in awe. "Is that why your hair sparkles?"

Magnus laughed and Jace snickered. "I am a warlock. But my hair sparkles because I put glitter in it."

"Oh," Max said, still slightly confused. "I've never met a warlock before."

"Well, I'm glad to be your first encounter."

"That's all great and everything, but when did you and Alec become such good friends?" Jace said, not too kindly.

"Jace," Izzy said warningly.

"Do you have a problem with us being friends?"

Jace narrowed his eyes, looking at the warlock with distrust. Jace stood up. "Let's talk."

"Jace," Alec said, warningly. "This isn't necessary." Alec's heart was beating rapidly. Why was Jace acting so hostile over him being friends with Magnus?

Magnus got up. "Don't worry Alec, if alpha-male here needs to chat, we can chat."

Alec groaned, feeling defeated. Suddenly he thought it was a very bad idea to invite Magnus to the park.

**xxxxxx**

Magnus followed the blonde teenager to the far end of the meadow, slightly amused at the boy's reaction to his presence.

"So, to what do I owe this indignation?"

Jace turned around to look at Magnus angrily. Magnus narrowed his eyes, becoming more annoyed than amused.

"I don't know what your plan is, Bane, but I'm not going to let you mess with my parabatai," he hissed.

"And why exactly would you think I am trying to mess with him?"

Jace gripped the fence with one hand as he continued to glare at Magnus. "I saw the way you looked at him at the party. And you were hoping it was him when I returned to your place."

"And is that a problem? Are you telling me that you have a problem with me because I like men?"

Jace rolled his eyes. "I don't give a rat's ass who somebody wants to be with but I will skin you if you mess with him."

"I highly doubt that you would succeed in skinning me alive but how exactly do you think I'll mess with him?"

Jace looked back at Alec, who was watching them from a distance. Jace was visibly upset and Magnus felt like there was something he was missing.

"I don't know anything about you. All I know is that you throw wild parties and that you're a powerful warlock. Maybe you sleep around, maybe you don't but either way, if you hurt him...if you do anything he doesn't want...if you make him upset in any way, I will find out, Bane. I will find out and you will regret it."

Normally, Magnus would be furious, having someone address him the way the Nephilim was but watching Jace's agitation and his genuine fear for his brother's wellbeing, Magnus could only look back at Alec, worriedly.

"I have no intentions of hurting him."

"Intentions and actions are two very different things, Bane."

"I'll keep that in mind."

**xxxxxx**

The group sat around in a circle playing a card game that Simon had explained to to them. Alec was seated between Jace and Magnus and wasn't really paying attention to was going on. Ever since Jace and Magnus had returned from their conversation, Jace had attached himself to Alec's side and occasionally glared at Magnus. Alec felt his face heat up, just wondering what Jace had said to Magnus. He knew Jace could be harsh but Magnus didn't seem to be scared away.

"So, my mom just invited you all over for dinner," Clary announced after they finished the game. She looked at Max. "There's a great manga store by me that we could check out first, Max."

Max beamed excitedly and looked at his siblings. "Can we, can we please?"

Clary looked at Jace expectantly. "I'm in. Izzy? Alec?"

"You guys go. I still need to go for a run and stuff," Alec said lamely. He didn't feel like spending the rest of the day with Clary and her family but with Max all the way in Brooklyn for a while with Jace, he would feel better.

Jace hesitated, looking between Magnus and Alec.

"You guys go, I'll stay here with Alec," Izzy said, nonchalantly.

Alec scowled but didn't voice his annoyance at his siblings acting like he needed a babysitter.

"All right, then, let's go," Clary said happily, before saying goodbye to Alec, Magnus and Izzy.

Once half the party had disappeared down the street, Izzy got up. "Well, I'm actually going to meet up with a friend."

"That fey boy?" Alec asked.

"Maybe. Magnus, can I talk to you for a moment?"

Alec groaned. "Not you too, Izzy. Leave him alone.

Magnus stood up and smiled at Alec. "I'm a big boy, Alec. Don't worry about me."

**xxxxxx**

"So, are you going to read me the riot act as well, dear Isabelle? You know, I was actually present when the Riot Act was passed in in Great Britain in 1714 but that's story for another day."

Isabelle gave him an odd look. "Look, I know that Jace probably warned you sufficiently but Jace doesn't know everything and I think that you're a good person and I think you could be very good for Alec."

"Sister's intuition?"

"Yeah, I like that. But that doesn't mean that if you hurt him..."

"You'll skin me alive. I love how you Nephilim think you could actually succeed in such a task but I get the sentiment."

"Look, just be careful with him, okay."

"Why are you so protective?"

"I'm his sister."

"It's more than that." Magnus was slowly putting the pieces together but he just didn't have everything he needed to figure out the puzzle that was Alexander Lightwood.

Izzy looked over at Alec. He was now walking towards them.

"Look I'm done with you guys terrorizing Magnus. Can we put a stop to this?"

Izzy smiled. "Of course, dear brother." She hugged Alec tightly and whispered something into his ear. Alec blushed and turned away slightly. Izzy gave him one more squeeze before jogging away.

"You have an interesting family, Alec," Magnus finally said.

Alec sighed as they walked back to the blanket under the tree. "I know."

"They love you very much."

"I know. But I'm sorry. They were being too much."

"Especially because we're just friends, right?"

Alec blushed again. It was so endearing. "Right," he muttered.

Magnus sat down on the blanket and stretched out his legs, patting the spot beside him. As Alec settled into the sheet, Magnus snapped his fingers and a basket appeared in front of them.

"I hope you like cheese and crackers. There's also some jam and a bottle of sparkling cider."

As if on cue, Alec's stomach growled.

Magnus smiled. "Perfect. Let's eat."

**xxxxxx**

Alec hadn't felt so content in such a long time. Magnus kept pulling out different cheeses and explaining where they came from before making him try them. Sometimes he coupled them with a story from the places the cheese originated from and Alec found himself laughing on more than one occasion.

"I love your laugh, Alec. Beautiful, like a rare gem."

"Why do you say that?" he asked, his cheeks flushed.

"Because I don't hear it often enough but when I do, it practically sparkles."

Alec's cheeks reddened and he looked away.

"You have some jam on the corner of your mouth," Magnus said. He lifted his hand and made sure Alec saw it before slowly reaching out for his lips. Alec watched the fingers carefully, willing himself to stay still and not flinch when Magnus touched him.

Magnus paused just in front of the corner of his lips. When Alec didn't move away, he brushed his thumb against his skin, the stickiness of the fig jam coating Magnus's thumb.

Alec felt a tear spill over his cheek but he didn't back away. He had let him touch him without flinching. He could feel the pattering of his heart and the way it seemed to swell with desire for the affection. He was terrified.

He remembered what Izzy had whispered into his ear just before leaving. _"There is nothing wrong with your feelings, Alec. They are pure and __beautiful. Just like you."_

More tears spilled down his face.

"I'm sorry, Magnus."

"Shh, it's okay."

He didn't know what to say. "I'm just so tired."

"Come here, Alec." He held his arm out.

Alec blinked, feeling unsure.

"You can trust me."

Tentatively, Alec shifted closer and let the arm curl around him. He sat, tensely, waiting for something bad to happen.

"You should sleep. I'll make sure nothing happens."

Just thinking about sleep made him feel drowsy, remembering how he had not slept at all last night.

"What if I have a bad dream?" He hated sounding vulnerable.

"You won't."

Alec nodded, even though he didn't really understand.

**xxxxxx**

Ten minutes later, Alec's head was resting on Magnus's lap, the rest of his body curled perpendicular to Magnus, fast asleep. Magnus ran his fingers through Alec's hair, looking down at the beautiful shadowhunter, his long eyelashes sweeping over his cheeks and sighed. He was in so deep. All he wanted was to make this Nephilim feel safe and loved. What had he gotten himself into?

* * *

**A/N: **Well, that was my longest chapter even though it didn't have much plot...mostly Alec's introspection and Malec moments. But I would really like to hear what you think! Especially, when it comes to Magnus and Malec, because that's always hard for me. Let me know :).

Next up, Alec is going to try to confront someone.


	17. Control

**Thank you so very much for all the reviews! I am floored by the support and they are so appreciated!**

**A/N: **This chapter references a flashback from Chapter 4 (An Unwanted Guest). Please let me know what you think!

**Disclaimer: **The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

**Warnings: **_This chapter contains violence and self-destructive behavior. _Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

**Learning to Be**

**Chapter 16: Control**

Alec blinked his eyes drowsily. He buried himself further into the surface he was resting his head on, feeling reluctant about getting up. A light breeze brushed passed his skin and he groaned, feeling just slightly too cold. He opened his eyes properly and was instantly greeted with the green expanse of a lawn. That's when he noticed a hand lightly resting on his arm.

Suddenly realizing that he was outside and the surface he was lying on was Magnus's thigh, he shot up, his eyes wide and horrified. His pale skin deepened into a harsh shade of red as he looked over at the warlock.

Magnus smiled. "Hey darling."

Alec was seated a few inches away, his legs tucked to the side as he sat up awkwardly. "I fell asleep in your lap?" he asked in a hushed voice.

"You were tired."

"I...I...I'm sorry, by the angel..." He looked around the meadow. There were less people around and most were settled into their own blankets, eating, reading or just chatting.

"Hey," Magnus started, gently placing his hand over Alec's hand that was pressed into the blanket. Alec's hand twitched but he didn't pull away. "It's okay. You did nothing wrong."

Alec only blushed deeper. "How long was I asleep?"

"About four hours."

Alec gaped. "Shit, you should have woken me up."

"I was sufficiently occupied," he said, patting a book that lay to his side.

Alec ran his fingers through his hair and flipped open his phone. It was just past 7pm and Jace had texted him a couple of times.

"Anything interesting?" Magnus asked.

"Jace texted. Max fell asleep at Clary's place. They might stay there for the night."

Magnus laughed. "Jocelyn is allowing boy-wonder to spend the night with her daughter around?"

"He's with Max, Magnus. They're not going to do anything," Alec replied. He had a strong feeling that Jace was purposely staying at Clary's with Max because Alec didn't sleep last night. He frowned, feeling anger brewing within. It wasn't fair that Jace felt like he had to keep their baby brother out of his own home to protect him and so that his other brother would sleep easier. Of course, Jace didn't know that Alec hadn't being staying at the Institute until Max arrived at home.

He picked at the hem of his jeans absently. Magnus squeezed the hand that he had covered with his own and looked at Alec questioningly. "Where are you planning to sleep tonight?"

Alec looked up at Magnus, trying to chase away his anger. "I don't know," he said honestly. "If Max is at Clary's..."

"You stayed at the Institute last night because Max was home?"

Alec wrapped his arms around himself, slipping the hand out from Magnus's grasp. "It's complicated."

"I see that," Magnus said, a contemplative look on his face.

"I need to go home for a bit but can I come over later?" Alec asked tentatively, still feeling like the safety of Magnus's place would be taken away even though Magnus had been nothing about generous despite being kept in the dark.

Magnus smiled. "Of course, Alec."

**xxxxxx**

Alec sat on the edge of his bed, rubbing his palms against his knees, staring mindlessly at the wall. He felt confused and scared and a feeling that was so unfamiliar to him. Happiness. It was hidden underneath all the painful emotions but Alec couldn't deny its existence or the root of its existence. In the midst of Manson once again living at the Institute, Max coming home and Izzy finding out some of his secrets, Alec had also sought out safety somewhere else, leading him to Magnus. When he was with Magnus and when his mind wasn't drawn to his past, he felt safe and warm and happy. And the feeling terrified him because he didn't want to think about why Magnus made him feel this way.

He jumped up and quickly changed into training gear before heading up to the training room. He would get some training in before calling Jace to make sure they were staying there and then he would go to Magnus's place. Because Magnus was a friend and he felt safer there than at the Institute, he told himself.

When he reached the entrance of the training room, the door was opened just a sliver and Alec could hear the sound of someone training from within. Jace and Izzy were both out and his parents were unlikely to use the room at this time.

His heart was pounding. He stood, frozen by the door, his hand grazing his stele by his hip. He thought about turning and leaving. He could go for a run instead. Then he remembered two nights ago when he had bumped into Manson on the street and Manson instantly had control of him. He clenched his teeth, hating himself for his weakness. Hating himself for allow the man to continue to control him.

But was the alternative? Going in there and telling him to leave, it was his turn to use the training room. In any other situation, Alec would be tempted to laugh harshly at the ridiculousness. Instead he curled his hand around his stele and quickly etched a soundless rune into his forearm.

He pushed the door open just a little bit more and peeked in. He was right. It was Manson in the room. He had his back turned to Alec and he was throwing daggers at a target on the wall opposite him.

Alec nearly gagged out loud but kept it in, knowing that a soundless rune would not silence his voice. He remembered being in the training room, Manson finding him there before he started hurting him and trying to teach him how to throw daggers. It was like he could feel the man pressing himself against his body, his hand on his waist and the other around his wrist. He closed his eyes, remembering the man's arousal pressed against his back and not understanding what was happening. He remembered feeling relieved when he let him throw the daggers without his physical guidance. At the time, he had no idea that that moment had been the beginning of it all.

Alec pressed his hand against the fortitude rune on his shoulder, hidden underneath his gear. He wondered if he would have had more strength to bear the torment as a child if he had that rune when he was younger. He squeezed his shoulder harshly and opened his eyes, willing himself to be stronger than he had ever been before.

Izzy's voice floated into his head again. _You are so strong._ Alec wanted to prove that he actually did have strength. He needed to know that this man didn't control him anymore. He needed to do this.

Alec waited by the door, watching Manson and talking himself into moving forward. He waited until Manson moved to the wall and started dislodging daggers that were buried in the target and dropping them into a bin by the wall. Sucking in some air as quietly as possible, he pushed the door open silently and walked in, standing beside the bin of daggers where Manson had stood while practicing his throw.

For a moment Alec thought that he was frozen. All he could do was stare at Manson's back, the pounding of his heart blaring in his ears and a tremor taking hold of his hands. Suddenly he realized that he hadn't thought this through and he might end up stuck here with his worst nightmare and a bunch of weapons.

_No Alec_, the teenager screamed in his mind. Manson didn't need to control the weapons. Alec was just as good at using daggers as Manson. As if on autopilot, Alec bent down and picked up a few daggers. He placed all but one in his belt. He held the last weight in his hand, gripping the handle tightly. Manson had removed the last dagger from the target and dropped them into the bin.

Alec cleared his voice loudly, although it didn't seem loud enough to overpower the sound of his beating heart.

Manson spun around, his back against the wall and stared at the teenager, surprise clear in his expression.

"Alexander," he said calmly, a horrible smile gracing his face. The man had the beginnings of a black eye and a bruised jaw. Alec didn't have the capacity at that moment to think about who gave the man those bruises. He would have to think about it at a later time.

Alec raised his hand, positioning the dagger. He hated that smile.

Alec saw the twitch in Manson's foot, like he was about to move forward. Without thinking about what could happen next, Alec allowed the dagger to fly through the air. The dagger moved so fast, Manson did not have a chance to move. It landed just beside his left eye, the blade parallel to the floor, the sharp edge of the dagger grazing against his skin. The man flinched. Before he could move, Alec threw another dagger, landing right beside his right eye, the blade nicking at his skin as it lodged into the wall.

"It's a good thing I got so good at throwing daggers," Alec said. His voice was so calm and deadly that it didn't sound like him. "Any less precision and you may have lost an eye."

"Careful Alexander," he said, his voice condescending and demeaning. Alec hated him. Even with his head between two blades, he thought he could speak to him like he was still a child.

Manson lifted his left hand to grab the daggers but Alec moved faster, trapping his wrist between two daggers, the blades similarly positioned so that the sharp ends pressed against his skin.

"Move your other hand and I'll aim for your wrist," Alec said.

"What is it that you want, Alexander?"

"Stop calling me that," Alec screamed.

"Would you rather I call you Alec?"

Alec flinched, not wanting the name to be similarly tainted.

"No," he whispered, feeling less and less sure about this confrontation. He held another dagger but his hand had started shaking again.

"What is it that you want from me?" The man was so calm.

"What do I want?" Alec hissed. "What do I want?" Alec's mind buzzed. What did he want?

"Why?" Alec finally said

"Why what?"

Alec's unoccupied hand clenched into a fist. "Why did you do this to me?"

"Do what?" the man said, fake innocence dripping from his voice.

"Don't fucking play games with me," Alec yelled, letting another dagger fly through the air. It lodged deep into the man's right shoulder. Manson screamed, his voice shrill and so unfamiliar to what Alec was used to. He immediately moved his free arm to grab at the blade.

"You might not want to take that out right now. You'll bleed out if you don't fix it quickly and I don't think you're going to have the opportunity anytime soon." Alec was so surprised at his ability to speak and not stutter or just shutdown. Maybe he was running on pure adrenaline. Maybe it was the fortitude rune.

Manson hissed, his breathing coming out ragged. He clutched his shoulder but left the dagger in. "Listen Alexander."

"No, you listen. I don't think I even want to know why. What could you possible say that I would want to hear. That I was an easy target, weak and pathetic. That you knew that I was different and would keep quiet."

"I couldn't control myself, Alexander. And you wanted it."

"NO!" Alec screamed, shaking his head. Tears gathered in the corner of his eyes.

"You were just so beautiful, so perfect."

"No!"

"Your blue eyes." He hissed in pain. "Your perfect, flawless body."

"SHUT UP!" Alec threw another dagger. It landed between his slightly parted legs, the sharp end of the blade dangerously close to his crotch.

"Please, Alexander. Just let me remove the daggers and we can talk."

Alec laughed, the sound coming out almost deranged. Tears spilled over his cheeks and he wiped them away angrily. "Did you ever stop when I asked you to? Did you ever pay attention to my pain? Did you care that you were destroying me?"

Manson was becoming desperate. "Alexander, I had no control."

"You had all the control," Alec yelled angrily.

There was silence.

"I had nothing," Alec said softer, his voice wavering. "You took everything away from me. You destroyed my life." Alec could feel his emotions becoming unmanageable. He had one dagger left. He held it in his hand, his hand shaking so much, he thought he might drop it. He was unraveling quickly. The illusion of strength and calm quickly slipping away.

He stepped back and his foot bumped into something. He looked down and saw a jacket crumpled on the floor and a box half hidden by the material. There was something familiar about the simple wooden box. He bent down, his eyes still trained on Manson and picked it up in his unoccupied hand. Why was it so familiar?

Manson's eyes widened. "Alexander, please, let's talk."

Alec looked at him once more and he knew he had to leave or he would come apart in front of the man and left totally at his mercy. With the box in one hand and the dagger in the other, he turned and fled the room.

He didn't stop until he made it to his room. He slammed the door shut before he collapsed against the wall. The box fell to the floor beside him but he held on tightly to the dagger. His chest hurt. His heart was racing uncontrollably. His hands shook and his eyes blurred with tears. He felt nauseous. His breathing was ragged and he couldn't get it under control. He tilted his head back, pressing the back of his head against the wall. He grabbed the blade of the dagger with his other hand, allowing the metal to cut into his palm, ignoring the dampness that quickly followed.

* * *

**A/N: **That was definitely hard to write. Please let me know what you think of the chapter. Alec took a big step forward but might also take a step back. But do not despair. He will reach out for help in the next chapter from the only person that knows about his self-harm and he may even have the strength to let him in more than he has in the past but it's not going to be easy.


	18. Unraveling

**Thank you so very much for all the amazing feedback! It is ****forever appreciated.**

**A/N: **This is going to feel like a major step back but there will be more in the next chapter. Sometimes two steps forward is followed by one step back, but still moving in the right direction.

**Disclaimer: **The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

**Warnings: **This story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

**Learning to Be**

**Chapter 17: Unraveling**

Magnus lounged on his sofa with his legs propped up on the coffee table. He had a glass of wine in his hand and his phone lying on his sofa beside him. He didn't want to get plastered tonight. He was expecting Alec any minute.

"I'm swearing you to secrecy, Catarina," Magnus said, leaning towards the phone.

"Of course, Magnus. He sounds like he has struggled with a lot but you are obviously taken by him." The voice of his friend, Catarina, floated through the speaker of the phone.

"He's a shadowhunter! A _closeted _Nephilim"

"Yes, this is new for you but he doesn't sound like most shadowhunters we know."

"He's a Lightwood."

"He definitely doesn't sound like any Lightwood I've met but it's understandable that you would be wary."

Magnus sighed. "I'm not wary. I'm worried. What am I getting myself into? I mean I think about him all the time. I let him sleep in my apartment. I make portals to go find him."

"Do you enjoy spending time with him?"

"Yes," Magnus said without having to think about it.

"Then I don't think you should think too much into it."

Just as she was finishing her sentence, the phone lit up announcing an incoming phone call.

"He's calling now," Magnus said, his lips turning upward unconsciously.

"Well, pick up then."

"All right, I'll call you back."

He picked up the phone and tapped the talk button. "Hi darling," he said, pressing the phone to his ear.

A hitched breath sounded through the speaker.

Magnus pulled his feet off the coffee table and sat up. "Alec, what's going on?"

"Magnus." His voice was raw and weak. Magnus heart was pounding.

"Talk to me Alec."

"I'm sorry, I...you told me I could call if..." His voice trailed off and Magnus closed his eyes, knowing that Alec was hurting somehow.

"Of course, darling."

"I couldn't control myself. I tried, Magnus."

Magnus held back a curse. "Where are you?"

"At the Institute."

"Is Jace or Izzy there?"

"No...I..."

"I'm coming over." Magnus was already standing. Yet again he found himself deciding to make a portal. In the last week he would be making more portals than he had in the last few months.

"You don't have to."

"Where in the Institute are you?"

"In my room."

Magnus knew where that was from when he came to heal him. Izzy had asked if he would take him to his room after Magnus had rested because she didn't want him to wake up in the infirmary. He could make a portal directly to his room.

"Can I make a portal to your room?"

"Okay," he said, sounding more vulnerable than before.

**xxxxxx**

When Magnus stumbled out of the portal, he felt an unwanted sense of deja vu. Alec was seated, with his legs stretched out in front of him, on the floor against a wall. He was not wearing a shirt and any other time, Magnus would indulge in his beauty. But now all he could see was the pain. A bloody dagger lay over an undamaged hand. His other palm was blood-soaked and more blood outlined new wounds running along his arm. Beside him was his stele, a phone and a wooden box, also smeared with blood.

Alec looked up at him with bloodshot eyes. "I tried to stop, I wanted to stop," he whispered.

Magnus rushed forward and knelt beside the teenager.

"I can't draw an iratze," he murmured looking at his bloody hand. "It doesn't come out right with this hand." He lifted his undamaged hand. He looked utterly lost, like he had in front of the bakery the other day.

"It's okay. I've got you."

He picked up the damaged hand carefully and encased it with his own. Within seconds, his palms seeped with blue light and he felt his magic healing Alec's wound.

Alec gasped as he let go of his hand. He reached forward for his stele but Magnus stopped him gently. "I'll fix all your wounds."

"You don't have to."

Magnus shook his head. The thought of Alec carving into his body at the moment, even if it was natural to the Nephilim, made him nauseous. He quickly started healing the rest of his cuts, which luckily were not as bad as the one on his hand.

When he was done he leaned back, settling down beside the shadowhunter.

Alec was staring at his unblemished hand, curling the fingers absently.

"I'm sorry."

"Hey, I told you to call me, remember?"

"But it's so pathetic."

"No, Alec, it's not."

Alec laughed, the laughter sounding unnatural. "I'm pretty pathetic, Magnus. Why do you even bother with me?"

"Alec," Magnus started.

Alec's eyes had turned almost wild. They were wide and unfocused. His body was trembling and tears ran down his face. Without any warming Alec turned so that he on his knees, facing Magnus.

"Do you like me?" His voice was detached and hollow.

"Of course I do."

Alec moved forward and suddenly the teenager was straddling his legs, his knees on either side of his thighs and his torso pushed towards Magnus.

"Alec," Magnus exclaimed.

Alec pressed his crotch into Magnus's crotch.

"He liked me too." There was a hitch in his voice.

Who was the 'he'? Magnus thought, fear gripping his heart. Magnus tried to detach the Nephilim from him gently but Alec pressed one hand between his legs, massaging him.

"You can do whatever you want to me," Alec said, his voice as foreign as his behavior. Tears still traced down his face.

"Alec, stop, you don't want this."

Alec laughed wildly, continuing to press his body forward, trusting his lower half against Magnus. "It doesn't matter what I want," he hissed angrily. "Don't you get it? You can do whatever to fuck you want to me." He continued to laugh, sobs breaking through it occasionally. "You can hold me down and do whatever you want? Or you can lay back and tell me what to do, let me do all the work."

Magnus felt his heart practically breaking into pieces as the boy in front of him fell apart. He pressed his hands firmly against Alec's shoulders and pushed him back gently. "Alec, listen to me, you never have to do something you don't want to do, not with me."

Alec wasn't listening. He was sitting on his thighs but no longer pressed against him. Instead he started undoing his own jeans, his fingers shaking so aggressively, he could barely grip the button. "Come on, I know you want to fuck me. You don't have to pretend," he yelled wildly. "I'm good, I promise. I've had lots of practice."

Alec was physically stronger than Magnus and Magnus didn't want to use magic to control him in any way but he couldn't let him continue down this path of self-destruction. Alec had finally unbuttoned his jeans and started pushing them down. Magnus instantly gripped his wrists.

"Stop Alec." He tried to be gentle and firm.

"Why?" Alec whispered, his voice so broken, it hurt to hear. "It's what you want, right?"

"No, Alec, I don't want this." From Alec's behavior since getting to know him, Magnus had figured that Alec may have experienced some sexual trauma in his past. At the time, he didn't want to believe it. Maybe his behavior was a reaction to his sexuality within the Shadow world. Everybody copes differently. But now it was obvious that the teenager had experienced some form of sexual abuse.

"Of course." He pulled his hands away, his whole body still trembling violently. "I'm dirty. Used goods. I'm a whore. Of course you don't want me."

Magnus reached out and held Alec's hand. The boy flinched and looked away. "Alec, I don't want this because you don't want this."

A sob escaped Alec's lips. "What I want doesn't matter."

"It's all that matters, Alec. No one has the right to do anything you don't want."

Alec sobbed again. He collapsed against the warlock, his face buried into the older man's neck, hands gripping his shoulders. Heart wrenching sobs racked his body. His breathing was ragged and tears soaked into the collar of Magnus's shirt. Instinctively, Magnus wrapped his arms around the boy and pressed his lips into the top of his head.

"You're safe with me. I promise you that."

"I'm not safe," Alec whispered. "I never safe."

Magnus glanced at the bloody dagger. "Alec..."

"He's always here. In my head...in my dreams...in...in my home."

Magnus flinched. He felt so helpless, holding this precious but devastated boy in his arms. He felt anger coursing through his body. He wanted to rip the Institute apart looking for this man. He needed to push it aside for now or he would scare Alec and he never wanted to scare Alec. He needed to know more.

Before he could say anything else the door to his bedroom swung open. Alec didn't seem to register the change but Magnus's eyes went to the doorway.

Jace stood in the room as if about to greet Alec before he registered the scene in front of him. And it was an image that Magnus knew Jace would interpret incorrectly. Here was Alec, half naked, with his jeans undone, wrapped around a fully clothed powerful warlock with a bloody knife lying by Magnus's side.

"Get the hell away from my brother," Jace screamed, moving forward rapidly. The rage on his face was almost unfathomable. Magnus quickly drew his hand up and a flash of blue blasted into the room. Jace slammed against an invisible wall separating him from them.

Alec was still falling apart, totally unaware of his surroundings. Glancing back at Alec's phone, he now saw the numerous missed calls from the Nephilim's brother.

Jace slammed his fists against the forcefield. "You fucking downwolder! You are fucking dead," he screamed. "Get your fucking hands off of him!"

"I'm not hurting him, Jace," Magnus said calmly before addressing Alec. "Alec, darling, Jace is here."

"He's fucking half naked you bastard." His eyes fell on the dagger. "What have you done to him?" Jace was starting to hyperventilate. He was pounding his fists helplessly. His face was already red and tear-stained. He started oscillating between pleading and threatening Magnus. "Please. _Please._ Let me in. Don't hurt him. Oh god, please, don't hurt him," to "You're fucking dead, Bane. Let me in! I'm going to kill you, you fucking bastard!" The blonde teenager was unraveling quickly.

"Alec, angel."

Alec pulled back as he tried to stifle his sobs. Once he untangled himself from the warlock he seemed to register his surroundings, the sound of Jace's wild voice seemingly reaching him in a rush. He flung himself away from Magnus and spun around.

"Alec!" Jace called out, his eyes wide with horror.

Alec stood there, tear tracks running down his blotchy face, shirtless and his jeans open. His healing cuts and old scars stood out on his arms and chest. Jace's eyes instantly went to them. Alec was frozen on the spot.

Magnus stood up and looked at Jace. "I'm going to let the wall down but you have to stay calm. I didn't hurt him."

Jace nodded, his eyes transfixed on the scars. "He hurt himself," he whispered, the devastation in his voice palpable.

* * *

**A/N: **And now Magnus and Jace both know something they didn't know before. Magnus hasn't fully processed everything yet and he doesn't know the actually story yet but he knows a lot more now. Jace is also going to go through a lot of emotions.

This chapter was entirely from Magnus's POV. I know it might seem like a jump for Alec to go from being unable to handle touch to being overtly sexual but remember that he he's not being sexual because he wants to be but as a reaction to his confrontation and a feeling that his existence is wrapped up in being an object that was used for someone else's pleasure and that he can protect himself by just giving in before it's taken from him. Also, nobody knows that he confronted Manson yet.

He took a really big step in the last chapter and while this is a big setback, he is so strong and he is moving in the right direction (aka, two steps forward and one step backwards is still moving in the right direction).

Okay, I'll stop rambling. Please tell me what you think. This story is only getting more complex. Feedback is so appreciated!


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